When Hard Times Hit Close to Home

A sister asks:

My sister recently received notice that her job was being eliminated.  This is going to put her family in a terrible financial situation as they were already living on the edge.

Do you have any suggestions of what I could do to let her know that I'm thinking about her?  She lives several hours away in another state.  Somehow "unemployment sucks" flowers just doesn't seem right.  And I don't think she would appreciate cash or a grocery gift card if she knew it was coming from me (and she would, because even if I tried to be anonymous I'm the only person she knows that would mail something from this zip code).

This is an unfortunate situation, and one that's very common these days. It's hard to provide financial support to a friend or family member without making them feel like a charity case. If you don't think you sister will accept cash or a grocery card, then it's not the right gift to give in this situation. Flowers, while nice to receive, do little to actually help the situation.

If you want to help your sister, but you don't want her to think you're pitying her, I would send gifts rather than money. For example, the weather is getting colder, and growing children always need new clothes. The less your sister has to spend outfitting her kids, the more she'll have for gas and groceries. How about some cute hats and scarves, with a note that says "Saw this and thought of little Bonnie, love you!"

The upside of this is that it provides your sister and family with things that they want and need. By adding a little fun to their lives, you're helping them more than just financially. Money problems are a huge source of stress, and when you're tight on cash, the fun things are the first to go. Lack of fun leads to more stress, and soon you're in a vicious cycle of misery.

I wish your sister a quick job search.

Wow. How Do You Treat Your Enemies?

Stella asks:

We were supposed to go to a friend's wedding, but decided not to. We had already sent back the RSVP with a YES reply, and my husband and myself chose the dinners we wanted to have. We did not call, we just stayed home and did other things that night. They are old friends and live about 2 hours away, so they should understand if we were not able to make the drive. Should we send a gift? Do you think $25 is a fair amount to spend?


If you're invited to a wedding, it's customary to send a gift whether you attend or not. So the answer to your first question is yes. As far as the amount, you should spend as much as you feel comfortable with given your budget and your level of friendship with this person. If that amount is $25, then that's what you send.

However, I will say that in this situation, $25 seems a paltry sum. It was incredibly, incredibly rude of you to not show up--without explanation--after RSVPing "yes." No, your friends should not understand that you "were not able to make the drive," because you weren't unable, you just "decided not to."

Being married yourself, you should know that your selfish behavior cost them a pretty penny in uneaten meals and unused chairs, dinnerware etc. While I normally rail against the "rule" that a wedding gift should cover the cost of your plate, I think in this case you should at least try to make it up to them.

More than a gift, I think you owe this couple a sincere apology for your blatant disregard for etiquette.

Wedding Gift Etiquette

Matilda asks:

I'm going to a wedding this weekend. I ordered a gift off of their registry and had it sent directly to them at home, however it likely won't arrive before the wedding. Should I take a card to the wedding? If so, should I make mention of the gift in the card so that they don't think I stiffed them?

These days, it's less likely for people to bring gifts to the wedding than it is for them to have them shipped. According to Emily Post, wedding guests have up to a year after the event to send a gift. If yours has already been ordered, it will likely arrive in a matter of days or weeks. The bride and groom should think you stiffed them simply because you didn't bring a gift to the reception.

If you don't feel comfortable showing up empty-handed, a card is certainly appropriate. You may find it a convenient way to provide the couple with either a gift receipt or the tracking information for the shipment. If they're going on a honeymoon, they'll want to have the post office hold their packages.

I Fear For Future Generations

Kitti writes:

Dear advice ppl,

I am having a 3rd baby. My other 2 r boys, but this one is a grl. I sent out baby shower invitations cuz I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and dont got no grl stuff.

My sis called an said it's wrong 2 have a baby shower 4 a 3rd baby, but it's a grl an I dont got no grl stuff.

How do I tell her to butt out?

Sorry, Kitti, your sister is right. It's only appropriate to have a baby shower for your first child, and it's never appropriate to throw your own shower. You're on your own for "grl stuff." Lucky for you, the big ticket items like car seats and high chairs aren't gender specific, and I'm sure you'll find that a lot of your sons' baby clothes are fairly gender neutral.

There are a few people in your life who should be close enough to kindly let you know when your behavior breaches etiquette. Siblings and parents are generally on that list; your sister was just trying to help you out. 

Grandbaby Rabies

Grandbaby Crazy wants to know:


My son and his wife just told us that we're going to be grandparents, and WE COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED!!!!!!

But it feels like we're the only ones who are!

Our other sons didn't react like we'd hoped. We were hoping they'd ask us about our son's baby registry - we even had all the information handy, just in case they wanted to send a gift. And neither of them even asked! (I'm glad I had gifts already wrapped. I just wrote their names on them and presented them to their brother!!) 

I'm so hurt. It's like they don't care that their big brother has been blessed not only with a wonderful, enriched life and lovely wife, but also a new child. One son even told me that he wasn't going to have kids EVER!

It's like they're trying to hurt me. They know how much I need grandbabies! I'm so happy that my pride and joy is having a baby, but I'd love to have even more.

How can I get everyone else as excited about the new bundle of joy as I am? You're my only hope!

First off, congratulations on your new grandchild. For many people, new babies are extremely exciting, and this is definitely going to be a wonderful time for you, your son, and your daughter-in-law.

For other people, the excitement doesn't really happen until the baby arrives. If your daughter-in-law is still early in her pregnancy, I wouldn't be surprised that gifts weren't the first thought to enter your other sons' minds. While it was nice of you to want to "help" by choosing and wrapping gifts for them to give, unless they asked you to do so it really wasn't your place. Have you set up an expectation for your older son that all his brothers want to do is shower him and his wife with gifts? That's really not fair to anyone. You are entitled to give this child everything and anything you want, but make it from you.

As far as wanting more grandchildren, slow down and enjoy the gifts you do have. Greed isn't becoming on anyone. Whether and when to have children is a very personal decision to be made ONLY by the couple having the child. They may want to wait until they're more financially stable. They may have decided that parenthood isn't for them. Or, they may not be able to have children, and constantly hounding them will only add to their pain. Their situations and choices have nothing to do with you and are none of your buisness. 

 

So cuddle the new baby, count your blessings, and keep your mouth shut. 

A 'Thank You' Would Have Been Just Fine

Polite asks:

What would be the polite thing to do? I sent a friend some flowers as a thank you for watching my cat while I was on an impropmtu trip. This friend is very critical and always find the negative in anything, so I always expect criticisms. I was just stuck at the time and she was helpful and available.

Well, the flowers came wilted. She called me to tell me she got the flowers, but they were such poor quality so she called the florist to complain and they are sending mea refund.

While I appreciate her efforts, it was embarassing to know that my gift was not well recieved. Should I just suck it up because I am overreacting, or (if this were to happen to me) was my friend wrong in how she handled the situation? She told me not to send flowers like that anymore because you never know what you'll get. Now I don't know if other people have hated my floral delivery or if it is just her.


Did she bother to thank you for the thought? I can understand where your friend may have felt she was doing you a service by letting you know that you deserved a refund for the wilted flowers. However, this is a situation where you have to tread carefully. It's one thing to call you up and say, "It was so nice of you to send me flowers, you really didn't need to do anything. I did want to let you know in case you use this company often, that the flowers came to me wilted." It's another thing to say, "I got your flowers and they just looked awful, so I took it upon myself to call the company and give them a piece of my mind." She could have also requested that the florist send a replacement, rather than refunding your money. Then she wouldn't have had to embarrass you by essentially giving back your gift.

On the bright side, now you do know that the florist you use is unreliable, and next time you can choose someone else. 

Personally, this woman sounds ungracious enough that I wouldn't feel obligated to replace the gift. You made a good-faith offer of a thank-you, and she didn't accept it. Let the issue drop, and don't ask for her help again.


If you still feel the need to be the bigger person and provide your friend with some kind of compensation for helping you out, I'd take the money that got refunded and purchase her a gift card to a place you know she likes. Impersonal, yes, but at least gift cards don't wilt, and it could be what she was angling for all along.