Edwina asks:
I am cohosting a shower with my BFF because we are co-Maids of Honor at our mutual BFF's wedding. The shower planning is going off without a hitch, but my co-planner (I'll call her M) keeps complaining that we are doing everything on our own. Frankly, the shower is simple and already finished. We just have to show up the day of and make sure everyone has a good time. But I don't get her issue - a couple of the bridesmaids have offered their help if we need anything, and she turned them down. She said that they were only asking in vain and would probably not follow through if she accepted their help. I don't think there was much we could have let them help with anyway. She thinks that they should have stepped up and told us specifically what they would do for the planning and just do it rather than offer vague assistance. I told her to get over it, because she turned them away when they asked, and we didn't need them anyway.
Is M right, that the bridesmaids should be more involved?
No, M is not right. The only thing a bridesmaid has to do is show up on the wedding day in the appropriate dress. Everything else is gravy. It's very gracious of you and M to host the shower, but it certainly wasn't a requirement for you, nor is it a requirement for any of the other bridesmaids to help out.
Of course, the other bridesmaids did offer to help, and M is the one who turned them down. She really has no right to complain. It's certainly not polite to tell the host of a party that you are going to take over some aspect, so her expectation that they should have "stepped up" is ludicrous. Perhaps what she really wants is "help" in the financial sense. In that case, at least she's doing right by not asking for it.
If they offer to help again, perhaps ask each to bring an appetizer or small dessert. I'm a firm believer that a party can never have too much food. If they don't ask again, that's fine, as they were already told--rightly so--that everything is taken care of.
If M continues to complain, point out to her exactly what you've written here, and ask her what exactly it is that she wants. Perhaps then she'll see your point.
What if the party is at a restauraant, how is it appropriate to bring an appetizer? You guys give mediocre advice. I mean it's entertaining to read, but it's so short sighted based on what appears to be limited experiences. If M wanted help, she should have taken the bridesmaids up on it when they asked instead of complaining after the fact. And is it really impolite if a bridesmaid, someone who is supposedly so close to the bride that she cares about her life and her wedding, offers to do a specific task to take it off someone else's hands? I don't think so. Sometimes if someone offers help, the person doesn't know what to exactly ask for help with and she may have felt that she was only burdening someone else if they may not have wanted to do that specific task. Sometimes it's more helpful for someone to let's say offer to run to the store to pick up the favors than ask "Is there anything I can do?" because at least that is letting the person know that this is what they can expect from you. Sure it's wrong to have expected something specific when she never bothered to let anyone know what was going on, but they did ask if they can help, so M should shut it.
ReplyDeleteVeronica, she said to "perhaps" ask each to bring some food. It was a specific suggestion with an implied connotation of "ask them to do something simple". I don't see how that is mediocre advice. Especially when you go on to agree with Christy, except to question if it is rude to take over some some aspect of someone else's party. And on that point Christy is correct, it is rude to just tell someone you are going to shanghai some part of her party. We don't know the exact conversation that took place so maybe all of the things you speculate about took place. Maybe they did offer to help with something specific. We can only guess and thus Christy gave exactly the correct advice.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we shouldn't guess. You know what they say when we "assume".
ReplyDeleteVeronica, do you really want to read a thousand words outlining every possible scenario and the specific advice we give therefore? We don't want to have to write it - but if you'd like to do so, please, feel free to make the commentary.
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