When Family Gatherings Collide

Secret writes:

My wedding was yesterday. It was, well, there are no words. One of my mother's cousin's died in a horrific car accident last Wednesday, and it was a sad time for everyone. The funeral was planned by her children, for yesterday morning. We reluctantly decided to go through with the wedding since it was only several days out and so many of my new husband's family was in from another state to see us get married. They did not know my mom's cousin.

Well, many of my mother's relatives thought it was disrespectful for us to not cancel the wedding but we did not have insurance to get our money back. Some called my mother the evening before to see if we were cancelling, some flat out told her at the funeral that they couldn't sit and pretend to be happy for us when we were pretending that nothing more than our day was important. I swear we don't!! So about 45 of the guests on my side of the family did not show up to the reception and the room was quite empty, the guest list was only about 125 people. We would have considered cancelling if we knew we'd have to pay for 45+ no show guests and lose all of that money.

But regardless of all of that, since the money would have been spent anyway, should I issue a formal apology to my mother's relatives for going through with the wedding? We attended the funeral the morning of the wedding to show our respect so we cannot understand why so many guests decided to stay home to prove a point. Please help. We're sad we decided to get married that day after all if it was going to cause a family rift.

Yikes. That's a terrible situation to be in.

I think you were right to go ahead with the wedding. You don't say how close you or your mother were to this cousin, but I'm getting the vibe that it wasn't very. You attended the funeral that morning, you paid your respects. I'm not sure how cancelling your wedding would have shown more respect than that. I doubt it was an especially raucous affair: who wants to party hardy when they've just been at a funeral?

Your relatives are grieving, and grief can do strange things to people. I would let the subject drop until you have a reason to contact or see these relatives again - and then wait for them to bring it up. If they ignore it, they probably feel terrible for getting angry with you, but aren't sure how to go about apologizing themselves. If they apologize, accept gracefully; if they yell at you, apologize to them. Keep in mind that this isn't really about you at all: it's about them, and how they're dealing with the loss of a loved one.

I'll Be There

My good friend just got some bad news. She appears strong, but I know there will be days where she feels down. How do I let her know that being strong is good, but if she wants to allow herself a bad day, she can? Or is it better to just encourage positivity and hope that she'll open up on her own if she needs to?

Funny. I'm going through a similar situation at the moment, and I'm willing to bet most of our readers can say the same. I think there's a lot of pressure for people who are going through incredibly rough times to keep their spirits up. You want to be known as the one who always had a great attitude, not the person who constantly bitched and complained about what a raw hand they were dealt.

But you know what? Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes shit gets thrown at you and no matter how happy a face you try to put on it, you eventually reach a point where you need to scream. There's no shame in that. It's not a matter of wanting to allow yourself a bad day now and then, it's a matter of needing it. Over time, that constant pressure to keep your head up takes a toll, both physically and emotionally.

What you want your friend to know is that in wanting the best for her, you want her to be able to freely and honestly express her emotions.

It's up to you if you want to say something. Sometimes words feel trite in situations like this. The most important thing is to just be there. Let this person know through your actions and attitude that you'll be a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on whenever they need it. Don't turn every conversation to their problems, but when they bring them up be willing to talk. As long as their spirits are high, keep yours the same. But the minute they start to seem low, let them know that that's okay too. You know your friend best and will be able to tell when they need to be cheered up, when they need to wallow, when they need a drink, and when they need to just go break stuff. Be flexible and willing to do any or all of the above for them.

And hey, for any of our readers who are going through a rough time themselves, re-read this and know that you have friends who will be there for your through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You know who they are.