Monday, July 5, 2010

They're Niceties, Not Trutheties

Gretchen writes:

I always have too much food at lunch, and more often than not I ask a coworker if she'd like to share. She usually says yes, and follows it up with "I owe you lunch one of these days!". I never offer part of my lunch in the hopes of getting anything in return, but she's never actually made good on her promise. next time I offer lunch and she feigns her follow up offer to get me back, should I tell her when to get lunch for me, or do I just nod and say Okay knowing full well she'll never follow through with her promise? It is not why I share. I just bring in good food and often will have too much for just myself.

If you don't mind sharing, and do it so as not to waste what you probably won't eat later, I'd just let this go. She probably does, truly, intend to return your kindness at some point, but the constant repetition is probably on par with saying, "Fine" when someone asks, "How are you?" You may or may not be fine, but that's the standard answer to give if you want to have a smooth social interaction.

Likewise, expressing her gratitude and acknowledging that she should reciprocate is your coworker's version of "Fine". She's happy to share if you offer, and she wants you to know that she understands the social conventions surrounding that offer. It may sound weird for her to keep repeating, but I think she probably is using it as a way to remind herself that she owes you one.

If you'd like to offer her the opportunity, you can always suggest lunch out of the office one day. "Hey, Coworker, how about we try that great little Thai place on the corner on Friday? I've been dying to have someone to go with." I'll bet she makes good on her "I'll buy" promise if you provide her the opportunity.

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