Dealing with Mouthbreathers

I am in customer service. How do you think I can address people who breathe into the phone? I get deep  breaths screaming in my ear between words and I sometimes actually disconnect the call because it's like nails on a chalkboard. I can't do that as much as I want to because I really need to help these people, but making them more tolerable would be a help. TIA, sincerely, awaiting your reply.

Dear Awaiting,

There go my plans to turn WYPF into a call-in helpline. I don't think I could do what you do all day. I have enough trouble when my mom calls, sounding like she's in the middle of a marathon. Unfortunately, my usual response--"Ma! Quit eating the phone. I can't hear myself think!"--won't help in your particular situation.

Since you have to be careful to protect the delicate sensibilities of your customers, I would go with a three-phased approach.

Phase 1: Grin and Bear It

If it's one customer, and the conversation is under five minutes, I'd do my best to ignore the Darth Vader noises emanating from the phone. Imagine that your customer is a compulsive hoarder, and that the stench of cat urine is aggravating her asthma. It may not make you feel better about the customer, but it will make you feel better about yourself.

Phase 2: Suggest They Stop Breathing

If it's your 18th customer, and they've been yammering for 10 minutes or more, no amount of imagination will help you. At this point, it would not be inappropriate to say, "I'm sorry sir, I'm having trouble hearing you. It may help if you hold the phone a little farther from your face." Of course, here you run the risk of your customer holding the phone at arms length and then yelling that they can't hear you.

Phase 3: Pass the Buck

When all else fails, you have to watch out for your own sanity. You're not doing any of your other customers any favors by getting disproportionately (though not necessarily unreasonably) angry at an annoying caller. When you reach this point, your current course of action is the only way to save yourself. Either "accidentally" drop the call, or realize that their particular issue has to be solved by a manager.