My husband has been working a LOT lately - he is a consultant and his practice group won more work than they anticipated, so he (and the rest of his team) have been averaging 80-100hrs/week since late May, early June, including a significant amount of out-of-state travel time. He's been very stressed and is always focused on work, pulling several all-nighters at the tail end of this stretch. The phrase "ships passing in the night" comes to mind.
Exactly a week ago (last Wednesday) he wrapped up his last major project (which had involved some all-nighters). That night, I was hanging out in bed and he came upstairs - I expected him to vent about work and for the two of us to catch up. And he vented, all right - he started by reiterating an issue we've had come up before, which is that I haven't developed the type of relationship with his family that he expected me to after we got married. This has, in the past, boiled down to my not liking to talk on the phone, and (admitted) refusal to break that for his parents. Now, however, it was much, much more than that - he claims that, unless we're up visiting his parents, I'm "cold" and I just "don't care."
And it went on, over the next two nights. He told me he had essentially misled me (and possibly himself) as to major portions of his personality for the duration of our 5-year relationship. Generally, he told me that he was unhappy with where he was in life and needed to "get away" to think about it and figure things out. For example, he told me that he wanted to take a job that involved significant travel (3-4 days a week, regularly), and to be involved with volunteer groups and boards for business development, and would be OK with not being around the house about 6 days out of the week...but that I "kept him" from doing these things because "he knew" I wouldn't like it. He "knows" that I don't like it, even when I specifically tell him that it's OK.
He spent two nights - Friday and Sunday - with his friends, leaving me at home with the dogs. I generally embarassed myself multiple times when he WAS home, crying and telling him how our goals weren't mutually exclusive, how we could figure things out if he would just talk to me about the opportunities he wanted to pursue. I begged him to understand that I was on his side and that things weren't adversarial.
Since the big outburst he has basically refused to pay attention to me and has avoided me as much as possible. He had class Monday night after work, and stayed afterwards to "do homework." (He would usually come home to do this.) He emailed me Tuesday at 5:15 to let me know he was "stuck" at work and would be home at about 7:30. He told me that he had found a networking event to go to on Wednesday evening, after our first marriage counseling session.
I've told him in no uncertain terms that I cannot deal with this. He is pulling away from me, and I can't stop that. I've told him more than once that this is not an acceptable way for him to deal with his issues. While I want to help him figure things out, and while I want us to talk about these major life changes he's thrown at me and make a decision about them TOGETHER, I can't do that if he continues to withdraw and avoid me.
We saw a marriage counselor yesterday, and it seems like something that could be productive. But he's going to his parents' this weekend on a pre-planed trip, and is traveling for work all next week (in fact, he told me specifically that they "wanted him there Monday morning," but that he would go out in the afternoon immediately after our next counseling session instead. He opted not to go to the networking event after our first counseling session, but instead did work until about 7:45pm and then spent several hours on LinkedIn sending messages for his "networking." He keeps telling me he hasn't checked out, and wants to make this work - he thought that sitting on his computer was "hanging out with me," and doesn't seem to know (or care) what I mean when I tell him I need us to shut up and make an effort to try to reconnect.
I'm at a loss. Right now, and as I told him last night, I have all of the downsides of marriage (another person's schedule to be aware of, someone asking for validation and a "good job" every time they accomplish something at work, someone else's things in my house) and none of the benefits (sex, companionship, someone to split the responsibilities of running a household and walking the dogs). My friends are telling me that he's being selfish and assy, but that counseling and time will help. But me...I don't know if I read too much of the nest, but I feel like he's telling me, not with words but with actions, that he's "just not that into me." I'm struggling right now with whether or not it's too soon to take "drastic" measures, like moving out. We (and I hate saying "we," since I feel like it's really "he") have only been having these issues for a week now, but it's been months since we've had any time to spend together and just be husband and wife. There is no practical (i.e. financial) reason for me not to leave - it's purely an emotional, is-this-really-doomed-and-if-not-how-long-do-I-stick-around-and-get-punched-in-the-gut issue.
I value your input. Please give it.
The short answer is yes. I think it's too soon for you to take drastic measures. Your husband has been under considerable stress and pressure for months, and the two of you have been having problems for a week. Did it take you longer than a week to decide to get married? Why wouldn't you give divorce the same consideration?
Marriage is a life-long commitment. I don't care if right now you think you made a mistake. You still have a responsibility to honor your vows. The only way you'd get a pass from me is if staying in the marriage was causing you harm.
You say you're on his side, and that you support his career aspirations. But do you really? You don't speak to fondly of the last couple months when his schedule was busy. You complain that sharing your home and providing moral support to him are "the downsides" of marriage. And when he chose to work from home instead of going to an event you complained that the time you spent together wasn't quality. It sounds to me like he knows you better than you know yourself, because you are not on his side here.
And let me just say--my husband works 80-100 hours in a slow week. I know what it's like to wish he was home more often. I also know that his drive and intelligence are two of the things that attracted me to him. If he didn't work as hard as he did, he wouldn't be the man I love. I appreciate every moment we get to spend together, even when we're both staring at our respective computer screens. Would you believe that being understanding of his schedule makes him less stressed out in his free time, which leads to more quality time for us? This is a situation where you need to adjust your expectations and choose your attitude.
I will grant you that he should have been more honest about his goals before you were married, and it was silly of him to think that putting a ring on your finger was going to magically change your relationship with his family. But it takes two to make a marriage work, and you are both going to have to give a little here.
Counseling is a step in the right direction, and the fact that you're already finding it productive is a good sign. No one is going to fix your relationship in one 50 minute session, though. It's going to take a lot of work from both of you. So start working and stop looking for the easy way out.
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