Wednesday Guest-day

Christy and Kate were equally stumped by this question, so we turned to someone more knowledgeable on the topic. Guest blogger Jake kindly helped us out, and here is the letter and his response. * If any of our lovely readers has more to add, please do so in the comments. The more advice on this topic, the better. 


Cynthia writes:



Hi guys!

I have a serious question for you. Do you know of support groups for children of molestation? I have found therapy totally useless, and am not sure where to go from here. It was only recently that I fully became aware of what happened to me. I cannot truly explain how, except it just hit me all of a sudden. I initially started seeing a therapist who, after my 5th visit, still did not know my name and continued to give me "homework" in the form of reading materials. I left and tried another who had a different method but still didn't feel it was the right fit. Truthfully I've never been much for traditional ways, so this may play into my disdain and short attention span. I realize therapy isn't perfect and it certainly isn't instant but I felt as though I was just the 3:30 - 4:30 slot that needed to be filled rather than an individual.

My husband is a good ear, but I feel like I have a lot more emotions than I can possibly express to him, and he was very fortunate to never have experienced anything of this nature growing up.

I attended Alanon for a while and found that helpful but not sure if that would really come across the same for something like this.

I consider myself a pretty grounded adult. I am in a healthy relationship with a man I trust and respect and who I know trusts and respects me.

Going back to what I said before however, this realization hit me like a ton of bricks. In truth, I am not sure I want therapy. I suppose all I really want is to check myself against some sort of growth chart and make sure I'm doing ok. Unfortunately there's no such thing in this instance.

I mostly have small concerns about how I am progressing. I spent a few days crying and losing sleep about it. I let myself believe momentarily that I was somehow different than I had been just a few days before when it all seemed like a dream. I finally decided that was ridiculous and began making strides forward to keep myself from sinking down into a depression or wallowing in those emotions too long.

Now it's been about two months since the initial realization and I'm ready to talk to someone, but not a traditional therapist.

Frankly, I'm afraid to google this sort of thing.



Hi, Cynthia. Here are my thoughts:

On the topic of Therapists: When I got therapy I was lucky. The therapist that my mother found was a perfect match for me. The first time I met her it was like meeting an old friend. Also, my therapist was actually a specially licensed counselor in my State specifically for abuse and she focused mostly on childhood abuses. So perhaps the poster needs to look at the kind of therapist she is seeing.

Finding the right therapist can be difficult but potentially worth her weight in gold plated latinum. Finding the wrong one is easy, there are lots of them, but it shouldn't take more than 1session (2 sessions tops) to figure it out. Trust your gut on this one. Just remember that a therapist's primary job is to ask the questions you don't want to answer. So before you dump her, you need to ask yourself, "Am I uncomfortable with this therapist, or am I uncomfortable with the nerve she's hitting?" 

However, therapists are not always useful. If you don't feel like you are getting anything out of it at the current time then maybe you need to wait for a while (unless you like throwing away money). When I first started seeing my counselor I went once a week. Later on I went once a month and then sporadically when I felt the need. 

On the topic of recovery: It is a long, long road so thinking that you will go to a therapist or a self-help group and somehow magically get better will just lead to disappointed. There is no magic fairy dust and suddenly you are whole when once you were pieces. It's the kind of thing where you trod along the path putting one foot in front of the other day after day. Then one day you glance over your shoulder at the path and realized how far you've walked. It's not a "BING", but more of a "huh, imagine that". 

It is also like riding on the swells of the ocean. Sometimes you're up, and sometimes you're down. Hopefully over time the ups get longer and stronger while the downs get smaller and shorter. There were plenty of times when things had gotten better for me and I though, "this is it, I'm done," only to be dragged back down. But over time my ups got less dramatic, less ecstatic, less manic, less like a drowning man breaking the surface of the water to gasp a breath before sinking back into the cold black depths. Slowly my ups got longer, and more "normal". 

Also you can be glad that you have a good husband. I know from experience that your partner is like the filling in a life vest: a good one is air, a bad one is lead shot.

I support none of the following, they are just options for you:

If you're into 12 step programs: http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/

Just a couple of the many online support options:

http://www.ascasupport.org/
http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm (has an interesting victim/survivor/thriver chart that may be of use)




*Full disclosure: Jake is Kate's husband. If you're interested in guest-posting here at WYPF, drop us an email or use the form on our Contact Us page.