Who Said Marriage Was Hard?

Patricia writes:

My husband has been working a LOT lately - he is a consultant and his practice group won more work than they anticipated, so he (and the rest of his team) have been averaging 80-100hrs/week since late May, early June, including a significant amount of out-of-state travel time.  He's been very stressed and is always focused on work, pulling several all-nighters at the tail end of this stretch.  The phrase "ships passing in the night" comes to mind.

Exactly a week ago (last Wednesday) he wrapped up his last major project (which had involved some all-nighters).  That night, I was hanging out in bed and he came upstairs - I expected him to vent about work and for the two of us to catch up.  And he vented, all right - he started by reiterating an issue we've had come up before, which is that I haven't developed the type of relationship with his family that he expected me to after we got married.  This has, in the past, boiled down to my not liking to talk on the phone, and (admitted) refusal to break that for his parents.  Now, however, it was much, much more than that - he claims that, unless we're up visiting his parents, I'm "cold" and I just "don't care."

And it went on, over the next two nights.  He told me he had essentially misled me (and possibly himself) as to major portions of his personality for the duration of our 5-year relationship.  Generally, he told me that he was unhappy with where he was in life and needed to "get away" to think about it and figure things out.  For example, he told me that he wanted to take a job that involved significant travel (3-4 days a week, regularly), and to be involved with volunteer groups and boards for business development, and would be OK with not being around the house about 6 days out of the week...but that I "kept him" from doing these things because "he knew" I wouldn't like it.  He "knows" that I don't like it, even when I specifically tell him that it's OK.

He spent two nights - Friday and Sunday - with his friends, leaving me at home with the dogs.  I generally embarassed myself multiple times when he WAS home, crying and telling him how our goals weren't mutually exclusive, how we could figure things out if he would just talk to me about the opportunities he wanted to pursue.  I begged him to understand that I was on his side and that things weren't adversarial.

Since the big outburst he has basically refused to pay attention to me and has avoided me as much as possible.  He had class Monday night after work, and stayed afterwards to "do homework."  (He would usually come home to do this.)  He emailed me Tuesday at 5:15 to let me know he was "stuck" at work and would be home at about 7:30.  He told me that he had found a networking event to go to on Wednesday evening, after our first marriage counseling session.

I've told him in no uncertain terms that I cannot deal with this.  He is pulling away from me, and I can't stop that.  I've told him more than once that this is not an acceptable way for him to deal with his issues.  While I want to help him figure things out, and while I want us to talk about these major life changes he's thrown at me and make a decision about them TOGETHER, I can't do that if he continues to withdraw and avoid me.

We saw a marriage counselor yesterday, and it seems like something that could be productive.  But he's going to his parents' this weekend on a pre-planed trip, and is traveling for work all next week (in fact, he told me specifically that they "wanted him there Monday morning," but that he would go out in the afternoon immediately after our next counseling session instead.  He opted not to go to the networking event after our first counseling session, but instead did work until about 7:45pm and then spent several hours on LinkedIn sending messages for his "networking."  He keeps telling me he hasn't checked out, and wants to make this work - he thought that sitting on his computer was "hanging out with me," and doesn't seem to know (or care) what I mean when I tell him I need us to shut up and make an effort to try to reconnect.

I'm at a loss.  Right now, and as I told him last night, I have all of the downsides of marriage (another person's schedule to be aware of, someone asking for validation and a "good job" every time they accomplish something at work, someone else's things in my house) and none of the benefits (sex, companionship, someone to split the responsibilities of running a household and walking the dogs).  My friends are telling me that he's being selfish and assy, but that counseling and time will help.  But me...I don't know if I read too much of the nest, but I feel like he's telling me, not with words but with actions, that he's "just not that into me."  I'm struggling right now with whether or not it's too soon to take "drastic" measures, like moving out.  We (and I hate saying "we," since I feel like it's really "he") have only been having these issues for a week now, but it's been months since we've had any time to spend together and just be husband and wife.  There is no practical (i.e. financial) reason for me not to leave - it's purely an emotional, is-this-really-doomed-and-if-not-how-long-do-I-stick-around-and-get-punched-in-the-gut issue.

I value your input.  Please give it.

 

The short answer is yes. I think it's too soon for you to take drastic measures. Your husband has been under considerable stress and pressure for months, and the two of you have been having problems for a week. Did it take you longer than a week to decide to get married? Why wouldn't you give divorce the same consideration?

Marriage is a life-long commitment. I don't care if right now you think you made a mistake. You still have a responsibility to honor your vows. The only way you'd get a pass from me is if staying in the marriage was causing you harm.

You say you're on his side, and that you support his career aspirations. But do you really? You don't speak to fondly of the last couple months when his schedule was busy. You complain that sharing your home and providing moral support to him are "the downsides" of marriage. And when he chose to work from home instead of going to an event you complained that the time you spent together wasn't quality. It sounds to me like he knows you better than you know yourself, because you are not on his side here. 

 

And let me just say--my husband works 80-100 hours in a slow week. I know what it's like to wish he was home more often. I also know that his drive and intelligence are two of the things that attracted me to him. If he didn't work as hard as he did, he wouldn't be the man I love. I appreciate every moment we get to spend together, even when we're both staring at our respective computer screens. Would you believe that being understanding of his schedule makes him less stressed out in his free time, which leads to more quality time for us? This is a situation where you need to adjust your expectations and choose your attitude.

I will grant you that he should have been more honest about his goals before you were married, and it was silly of him to think that putting a ring on your finger was going to magically change your relationship with his family. But it takes two to make a marriage work, and you are both going to have to give a little here.

Counseling is a step in the right direction, and the fact that you're already finding it productive is a good sign. No one is going to fix your relationship in one 50 minute session, though. It's going to take a lot of work from both of you. So start working and stop looking for the easy way out.

That's Not Your Problem

Stef writes:


My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?


So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?


Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.


The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.


You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies. 


Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him? 


Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?


If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.


If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes. 


This is no way to live. So stop living it.


Good luck, and please let us know how it goes. 

'Cause Girls Can't Catch and Are Bad at Math, Right?

Libby asks:

I'm pregnant and having a girl! My husband is not thrilled and is talking about when we should start trying again for a boy, and I'm still 3 months away from having this one! I'm trying to see how this birth goes before signing on for more. He suggested IVF for gender selection because he did some research for the next kid. How can I get him to see that he'll love the baby and the baby will love him no matter what we have?

It sounds like your husband is experiencing gender disappointment.  It's not terribly uncommon for men not to feel bonded to their children until after they are born. It's also possible that he has an easier time imagining a bond with a child of the same sex as he. Going as far as suggesting gender selection for your next child is heading into the extreme territory and would cause me some concern.

Start by talking to him. Ask him why he wants a boy, and what his fears are with relation to having a girl. Be supportive, and let him know that you're confident that he'll be a wonderful father. Ask that all discussions of future children and the possibility of pricy, non-medically necessary procedures be tabled until after you both get your sea legs with this baby.

If, after the baby is born, he continues to have trouble bonding or seems to resent your daughter, then it's time for counseling. I certainly would be hesitant to have more children with him if it meant risking having him favor one over the other.

The "Ooops" Baby

Amy writes:

Dear WYPF,

My husband and I enjoy a child-free life. We decided before marriage that we didn't want children. We still do not want children and take every precaution not to get pregnant.

We haven't taken the surgery route, because frankly we both know we might change our mind in a few years.

The problem is I am pregnant. Despite condoms, birth control, and praying for my period it happened.

Guys... I still don't want a child. I cannot in good conscience have an abortion, because I don't morally agree with it.

My family knows, and I am just into my second trimester. I would like to give the baby up for adoption, but everyone in my family - brothers, sisters, parents, in-laws all tell me I will feel differently when I hold the child in my arms.

What do you think? Is adoption as crazy as they make it seem, or am I doing the right thing giving him or her up for adoption because we don't want children?

It gets more complex.

I worry they are right and I will love the child as soon as I hold it, and not be able to give it up.

We have met with several nice couples who are looking to adopt, and I am afraid it will break someone's heart if I'm not able to give him or her up.

What would you do? What am I missing? What am I not asking myself?

I would keep the baby, but I'm not you. Only you and your husband can make this decision for yourselves.

I do think, based on the limited information you've provided, that this is the answer you're leaning toward.

Do you want me to change your mind? Babies are hard work, and it's not just the sleep deprivation in the first couple years. It won't be long before you have to start worrying about school and grades and and how long until this fever breaks and what do you mean you want to quit ballet and take up horseback riding. And oh God, teenagers. No one likes teenagers. Not even their parents.

But really, there's a whole lot of reward in all of that too. Can you see it? The first steps, and the first "I love you, Mommy," and the grand slam at the bottom of the ninth, and college graduation and someone who'll check in on you once a week when you start to lose your sight or your hearing.

Not helping, am I?

You and your husband need to ask yourselves some serious questions. The biggest being, "Are we financially, emotionally and physically capable of raising a child?" I'm not just talking about wishing you had a six-figure salary or worrying about how much you'll cope with colic and midnight feedings. Having a child comes with it's share of sacrifices, but right now your focus is not on your convenience but on the health and well-being of the child. If you're drowning in debt, are on the brink of divorce, or don't have a roof over your heads, then obviously the most loving thing to do would be to give this baby up to a family with the means to take care of him or her.

However, if you're old enough to rent a car, have a happy marriage and stable income, then your child is going to be better off than most of the babies born into this world. We already know you have a loving and supportive family. Their advice may not be completely unselfish (after all, this is their grandchild/niece/nephew you're talking about), but they do all want what's best for you, and they know you better than anyone else.

You say yourself that you and your husband didn't choose permanent sterilization because you knew you may someday want children. You also say you are worried that you will love this child. These statements lead me to believe that your mind just hasn't caught up to your heart.

If you do decide to keep the baby, you need to be honest with yourselves about how hard it will be. Your life plans just took a drastic turn, and there's no shame in needing to speak with a professional to come to terms with your new responsibilities.

This Place Is For The Dogs

Jamie asks:

My sister in law's house smells like dog urine and, well, human waste as well. She rarely likes to open the windows because she thinks she will forget to close them at night. It's torture going over there, especially for meals, because the smell is overwhelming. They only have one dog, but they often forget to take the dog out so the dog pees on the furniture and no one cleans it up. I noticed this when I went to sit on the couch and saw the stains. Her bathroom is also very unsanitary - stains in the shower, mildew buildup, soiled toilet seat. I make sure I go to the bathroom before I leave my house so I won't have to use her toilet unless it's an emergency. She lives alone with her teenaged daughter, and I think the daughter should help with chores to make sure the house is kept cleaner than it is, but my sister in law said she's too busy with school and a part time job to do regular chores. I really don't want to go back over there, but every time I try to just tell her to open the windows for more fresh air "because it's so NICE out!" she replies that she always forgets to close the windows when I leave and promptly shuts them. I am at the point where I am ready to never go back over there, or just invite the sister in law to MY home for dinner and visits. What do you think?

I think never going over there is an excellent idea. I certainly would never eat in a house that was kept like that. I'm gagging just thinking about it.

For what it's worth, if I had a friend or close family member who was living in that degree of filth, I'd be pulling them aside and asking if something was wrong. This behavior is indicative of much larger problems, and it's possible that she needs professional help. Sure the teenage daughter could be helping out, but it's clear that the mother is doing nothing, so why should her daughter be expected to be different?

I would decline all future invitations to her home. If she asks why, I would tell her.

I'll Have What She's Having

Julie asks:

Do you have any tips for dealing with jealousy?  When a co-worker goes on vacation I get so jealous that it makes me sick even if I just came back from vacation two weeks ago.  And when a friend gets married, has a baby or buys a house, I have trouble being truly happy for them because of how badly I want those things, too.  I know that I lead a good life and have a lot to be thankful for, but I can't help always comparing myself to others and coming up short.


It definitely sounds like the level of jealousy you're experiencing is debilitating. If good things happening to other people makes you sick, you may want to seek the services of a professional.

In the near term, the most important thing to focus on is not letting your feelings influence your actions. You may already be doing this, and if so, you're on the right track. There's no faster way to ruin a friendship than to be the one constantly dumping on another's good fortune. So don't go quoting divorce statistics to the friend who just announced her engagement.

The best way to deal is to put on a happy face, and then focus your energy on setting your own goals and achieving them, rather than comparing yourself to others. Make a list of places you want to see, and keep a lookout for cheap vacation packages. Start saving for a down payment on a house, and squirrel away a little money every month so you know it's a goal you're working toward. You don't have as much control over marriage and babies, but you can remind yourself that weddings are more fun when you're a guest than when you're the bride, and friends' babies are easy to give back when they start to cry.

You said yourself that you have a lot to be thankful for. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are jealous of your job, vacations, and unencumbered single life. Enjoy what you have while you have it, and then when all those other things come along, you'll appreciate them even more.

Narcissus, Party of One

Christy (no relation) writes:

Every time I go out with this one friend of mine, she manages to make backhanded comments about me in front of people we know. Like for instance, if we meet new people at a bar, I'll talk light-heartedly with the new people and she will giggle and tell me that I never have anything smart to talk about. She'll also tell me that I care too much about my makeup and spend too much on my clothing. Yet when we are not with anyone else, she is so nice and complimentary. I confronted her about this, and she said that I am reading into her behavior and she isn't doing anything wrong. I feel bad for her because she is often depressed and will call just to talk if she's having a bad day. She also has a very mean mother who often sends her letters by email threatening suicide, so I know she has it rough. But before I completely ditch her, how else can I tell her that she is abusing my friendship? She doesn't seem to believe me.

Simply put?

You can't.

You've already told her she does this, and she didn't believe you. She continues to do it, so you know she wasn't simply saving face before becoming better behaved. She has, in fact, blamed you for her shortcomings as a friend.

About the only option you have is to suggest she see a professional counselor. From what you've mentioned in your letter - the depression, the "suicidal" mother - it sounds like your friend probably has some mental issues that could do with addressing. It is not your job to be her unpaid therapist. You're not, I'm assuming, qualified to deal with a serious personality disorder, which this sounds like. Even if you were, you see her socially, so it's still not up to you to fix her problems.

I'd let this one go, and not feel too badly about it. When even dogs have shrinks, no one with problems should avoid having them treated. She chooses to be depressed and not deal with her mother; you don't have to choose it, too.

At Least You Got The Question Right

Sad Mom asks:

I have a 7 year old child, but I hate his personality. I feel bad because he's a cute kid and very smart, but he's a brat and a half. I feel like I need therapry because I love him more than anything in the world - I'd DIE for him, he's biologically born from my body. He just has a personality I do not like. What is WRONG with me??

I'm sure Kate is going to want to chime in on this one as well. Some may say I have no business commenting on someone's parenting, given that I don't have children. Perhaps my response to this will change when whatever magic bounty of common sense that comes with producing spawn is bestowed on me, but I highly doubt it.

Honestly, Sad Mom, your problem is that you raised a bratty kid. He wasn't born from your body with a bad attitude and a sense of entitlement. I can't tell you what it is exactly that you've done wrong, but you've done something.

I can tell you that children are highly intuitive, and hate is a strong word. I can guarantee you that your son knows that you have strong negative feelings toward him. That probably doesn't inspire a lot of trust or respect.

You do have the power to turn your child's attitude around. Start by modeling good behavior. If you're matching his temper with your own, you're teaching him that tantrums are a valid way to approach your problems. If he doesn't have clear rules and boundaries,  put them in place.

Just as importantly, praise him for his good behavior. Reward good grades, good manners, etc. Let him see that you do notice and recognize his good qualities.

Things aren't going to change overnight, so don't give up or give in. And if you continue to have these feelings, do seek therapy. No child deserves to have a parent that hates them.

Dealing with Debbie Downer

Tired asks:

My friend has a chronic illness.  Her family is out of state and not very supportive.  I am her go-to when times get tough, which is all the time (going on five years now).  She is never, ever, ever having a good day.  If it isn't her illness, it is some other friend that has been insensitive to her or something going wrong at work, etc. When I have a hard day, she points out to me that at least I am healthy and makes me feel bad about ever venting my petty problems. When I or one of my kids are sick, she points out that at least we will get better and she won't.

She had a bad experience with counseling several years ago and is not open to trying to again.

I am getting to the point that I dread seeing her name pop up on my phone although I immediately feel guilty for that feeling.  Sometimes I feel like a very wet sponge, unable to mop up any more of her pain.

She was such a good friend before she got sick.  How can I keep being her friend without sacrificing my sanity?

Thanks

A few weeks ago, I published a question that was almost the exact opposite of your situation.
In that response, I said

I think there's a lot of pressure for people who are going through incredibly rough times to keep their spirits up. You want to be known as the one who always had a great attitude, not the person who constantly bitched and complained about what a raw hand they were dealt.

Obviously, this does not apply to everyone. It sounds like your friend thrives on pity, and it also sounds like her attitude has driven most everyone off but you. There's a good chance she's depressed, and I think you're right in that she needs counseling.

You're a good person for wanting to preserve this friendship. Not a lot of people would. Good for you for recognizing that however difficult she may be, she does need support. I wouldn't feel guilty at all, as you've already dealt with far more than is required of you. If you need to let her calls go to voicemail every once in awhile, so be it.

That said if anything is going to change, she needs to realize how her negative outlook is affecting her relationships. Not many people are willing to be blunt with someone like this; they'd rather just drop the friendship.

If you're going to confront her, you need to do it calmly and with empathy. Attacking her for always bringing you down will only make her see you as another insensitive person who's making her life worse. First sit down with her and tell her you're worried about her. Explain that you know she's had trouble with counselors before, and offer to help her find someone she can better connect with. Maybe packaging it differently will do the trick. If you know she won't take help from a counselor, suggest a life coach, a spiritual advisor, or hell, a psychic. At this point, anyone she can talk to that isn't you is a help.

As far as her not allowing you to have bad days, I'm of two minds. On one hand, you're likely blessed with far more friends and family than she has. Vent to people who understand and don't mind hearing it. That way she doesn't feel the need to fake concern for issues that she may consider petty, and you get the empathy you deserve for things you're entitled to vent about.

On the other hand, this is just another example of how her rotten attitude has driven people away, and maybe realizing this will help her bring some people back into her life. Try giving her a taste of her own medicine. Every time she starts a pity party, reply with "Well, hey, at least you're not [something worse]." Eventually she'll get the hint.

Religious Differences

Janice asks:


I am Christian and my husband is Jewish. I always celebrated Christmas and have a tree every year. All of the sudden this week my husband tells me that he finds having a tree offensive and does not think it is apporpriate to have in our home! And then he proceeds to tell me he thinks I should convert to judaism because we're married now and he is not sure he wants kids with me until then! This is news, we celebrate our one year anniversary this year, our different religions never cause a problem before because neither of us are devout religious people. I go to church regularly and celbrate my main Christian holidays with my family, he doesn't even keep Kosher. Is a Christmas tree really thar big of a deal to have if you're not Christian? It's just pretty to look at.


Is there a reason your husband started thinking about Christmas in June? It seems like a strange time to bring something like that up. If he's never been particularly devout, and the conversion thing really is news to you, it's possible that he's going through some crisis of faith or spiritual dilemma.

Approaching you about it the way he did was inappropriate, and that needs to be addressed. Sit him down and figure out where this change of heart came from. Has he been planning this all along, and just waited until you were trapped into marriage to spring it all on you? That's fraud, and would be grounds to seek an annulment.

That's not to say I advocate ending your marriage. I strongly believe in "till death do us part," but the point needs to be made that your husband's behavior is highly unacceptable.

There must be a way you can support his new-found devotion without giving up your own faith. If you don't whole-heartedly agree with his religion, you have no business converting to it. If he doesn't respect that, he's missing the point. Many families celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas. Some parents wait until their children are older and allow them to choose the religion that speaks most to them. You need to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

Keep in mind that there's a good chance you won't be able to do it on your own. He doesn't sound like he's wild about compromise. Talk to your pastor, and his rabbi, and a separate, non-religious counselor or therapist to get as much help as you can in getting through this. I cannot imagine it will be an easy road.

And to the rest of our readers, let this be a lesson that even those things that were never an issue while dating can turn into huge issues in a marriage. Talking about every issue--big or small--before you walk down the aisle will save you a lot of trouble later in life.

Paging Salt N Pepa

Blanche writes:

I want sex every other day at least, and my fiance is happy with once every other week. I would do it every day if I could, but I settle for every other day! I think he finds me unattractive, or perhaps he's cheating? What do you think? He's just not in the mood if I ask him if he's up for a little bedtime action, and my sexy lingerie never gets his attention. He's more interested in what's on TV and possibly missing it. WE HAVE A DVR!!

Blanche, I feel your frustration. Literally.

Different people have different sex drives. I know that in American society, men are painted as insatiable when it comes to sex, but that's just not the case. Men's level of desire varies from man to man, and from day to day with the same man.

If your fiance's always had a lower drive than you have, this is something you two will have to negotiate - preferably before legally binding yourselves for life. Start the discussion by sharing each of your ideal frequencies - yours, as you said, is every day; his might be once a week, or three times a month. From there, figure out what you both are willing to commit to: Once a week? Five times a month? Then stick to it. Both of you have to bend on this issue; maybe he prefers a different time of day, and you two can work out X times per month, Y of those times in the morning, or at lunch.

If your fiance has not always had a lower drive, what's changed recently? Could he be depressed? Stressed out? Fatigued? When was his last physical? There are plenty of mental/physical reasons for a sudden change in sex drive, and all of them are more worrisome than you not getting off. Many are very easily addressed; some are not; but a checkup is easy to schedule, and he should do so immediately.

And this is where most advice stops, but I've got one further point. Does he have a kink you're not exploring with him, or could he have one he doesn't think he can share with you?

Plenty of people are kinky in the bedroom, and completely ordinary in real life. Kinks are not something to avoid or ridicule him for. He might want you to be dominant, or he might want to dominate; he might like a specific type of lingerie on you; he might like a specific body part. Many kinky people can have vanilla sex, and find it fulfilling - up to a point. He may just not be getting his sexual needs met, and therefore isn't that interested.

All of these conversations need to take place far away from the bedroom, and all need to be free of accusations and "You" statements: "You never..." "You always..." "I wish you would do...". Better by far to use "I" or "We" statements: "I would like to talk about our sex life." "We should explore this together." There's no blame to be had, here, just a problem to be solved.

If he's unwilling to negotiate, see a physician, or explore his sexuality with you, please don't marry him. Sex is one of the "Big Three" reasons for divorce (the other two are kids and money.). Save both of you the trouble and end it while it's still fairly cheap and easy to do so.

Yes, Technically, You're Correct....

Vanessa writes:

How do I deal with a husband who resorts to name calling when he is mad? He says he doesn't mean it, but then don't say something you don't mean. For example, just yesterday he was upset with himself for forgetting his wallet at home. Instead of breathing it out and realizing it wasn't a big deal (and I could bring it to him) he immediately started to get mad and tell me I treat him like crap. I did not even bother bringing his wallet.

Then that night, he was complaining that he stubbed his toe and it hurt, so I told him there's nothing he could do about it so put a band aid on it, and he then gave me the finger and told me he wanted a divorce because of how badly I treat him. I asked him why he was so angry, and he said I always treat him bad. I asked for an example, and he said that I could have offered to make him coffee after his long day yesterday, but I didn't. So now I am not speaking to him because he needs space and I need to figure out what I want to say next. Asshole. Any
words o wisdom? I also printed out some therapist recommendations for him because the way he expresses his anger is unacceptable to me. When he tries to call me or speak to me today, I plan to give it to him.

I'm glad you've already considered therapy, because you both need it. Yes. Both of you.

Name-calling and excessive anger over little things are not good behaviors, obviously. But neither is brushing off his pain (yes, even for a stubbed toe, a little empathy goes a long way) or giving him the silent treatment. You both need to learn to express all emotions to each other in more constructive ways, and you need to learn to fight fair.

At this point, you both deserve each other. But I don't think either of you wants to live this way for the next 50 years, and if you don't solve this problem and just divorce, you'll both repeat the pattern with your next partners. This kind of childish inability to express yourselves needs to be nipped in the bud, and quick.

I think a combination of couples' counseling and individual sessions should do the trick, as well as perhaps working through some self-help exercises. Peruse the "marriage" section of your local bookstore, and I'm sure you'll find some tools to help you immediately.

Good luck!

Bullies Suck

Sad writes:

I was bullied in grades 7 and 8 by two boys who constantly made fun of me because I was new to the school and I wasn't into fashion and hanging out on the corners like everyone else. I was recently friended by one of them on facebook, and I accepted. I soon deleted the person because I realize he wasn't going to apologize and I wasn't going to confront him. I considered that closure for me and went on with my happy life. 

The other day, I was given a friend suggestion by the OTHER kid who picked on me, but didn't try and friend request him or anything. I thought I put it behind me, the taunting and teasing, and basically feeling tortured every day for 2 years (it was a sick joke in my universe that the teachers always sat me between these two jerks)...I feel like I didn't do a good job at getting over it. 

Should I say something now? I feel like that would just be pathetic of me, because it happened when we were kids and life went on. I always think just get over it when I see adults confronting their childhood bullies on TV talk shows. But I don't think these two kids realize the damage they caused. I was very socially awkward for my 4 years of highschool because I never was able to be social in middle school. What do you think?


Sad,
I'm sorry you had such a horrible time in middle school. I don't necessarily think that either of these guys tried to contact you on facebook for any reason other than to collect friends. Facebook seems to have given everyone the feeling that they have the right and/or need to stay connected everyone they have ever known, whether that knowing was a good or bad experience.


Also keep in mind that bullying stays in the mind of the tormented much longer than it does the tormentor. These guys may not even remember how miserable they made you, or maybe they really thought they were just having fun at the time. Or maybe one or both of them liked you. Preteen boys are notoriously bad at expressing their feelings, and it's very common for them to turn to teasing when saying "hey, I think you're cute" has so much potential to damage their tender egos. What I'm trying to say is, try to look back on the situation with humor, and think about how the experience made you stronger rather than focusing on the damage it did.



You were right to unfriend bully number 1 and to ignore the suggestion of bully number 2. You were also right to go on with your happy life. I think that's what you should keep on doing. I agree that saying something won't solve your problem. Everyone involved has changed a lot since middle school, and two adult men likely don't have a lot to learn from a lecture about something they did when they were children.


If you feel the need to do something, make sure that you bring your own children up to know that bullying others is wrong, and teach them to stand up for themselves in the event that they are bullied. And if you really can't get over this, it may be time to look for a counselor or therapist. Remember that Kate and I are not licensed professionals. If you need real help, I encourage you to seek it.

"When she wants something, she don't want to pay for it"

Stealy Dani writes:

Every time I go shopping, I feel compelled to grab something small and leave without paying. I am always worried that the next time will be the time I get caught, but it's just so darn easy. Oftentimes, I just go into dressing rooms and add a layer of free clothing underneath what I am already wearing. You know, as long as it doesn't have a sensor tag or sticker on it. I leave stuff in my food cart without paying. I try and go shopping alone because my fear is to bring someone and they get accused of stealing. Should I just try avoiding shopping for a while, or shop online?

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, and nothing I say herein should be taken to be expert advice from a trained mental-health professional.

First of all, Stealy, you asked the wrong question. Avoiding shopping or shopping online won't solve the problem. It may keep you from stealing for the immediate future, but you're not stealing because you're in need or because you're a career criminal, so avoidance won't stop the behavior forever. That said, YES, please stop stealing immediately if you can!

You need to see a trained therapist to deal with this. You may protest that you can't afford it, and there is an idea that therapy is very expensive, but it needn't be so. There are many counseling options available to you if your health insurance won't cover psychiatric care, or if you don't have health insurance. Many counselors work on a sliding fee scale, especially if they're connected to a free health-care clinic or other low-income health care resource. Google "sliding scale counselors" or "low-income therapists" to get yourself started. And if your insurance does cover it, huzzah! Take full advantage of that coverage.

The therapist should guide you through the reasons you steal, and work to address those issues with you so that you don't need to resort to petty theft to either stop the pain caused by those issues or to engender a high that helps you ignore the issues. Before you go into therapy, you can start to ask yourself why you steal. What makes you think you're entitled to have those things without paying? Does it make you feel smarter than the store staff to get away with it - as if you've put one over on them? Do you think the stores are ripping everyone off, and therefore it's okay if you do the same to them? Answering questions like those will help you and your therapist narrow down your reasons for shoplifting.

Persevere until you find a good therapist that you connect with. Refuse to see anyone who wants to refer you back to your primary care physician for a pill that will "fix" you. You will have to be a partner in your therapy, be an active patient and help the therapist help you. It might be a lot of work - but you'll feel a lot better about yourself if you put in the effort before the criminal justice system forces you.

Good luck. Please let us know how it goes for you.