Thursday, May 20, 2010

How Do I Say It?

The most common question I am asked, and that I see asked elsewhere, is how to politely phrase a request or suggestion. There are a few tricks to stating the horrendous with grace and poise, but first, let's decide whether it even needs to be stated in the first place.

Don't Open Your Mouth!

There are some questions we know are rude. "Why are you so dumb?" "Who lets someone so ugly out of the house?" Obviously, there is no information to be gotten from such queries, and they'll only hurt feelings and make everyone uncomfortable – not to mention, you'll look like an asshole.

But what about those things you think might be okay to say out loud? Surely if you wouldn't find it offensive, it isn't, right?

Wrong. There are some subjects that it is rude simply to bring up. I know you'll all think of money, politics, and religion, but these can sometimes be broached politely. What can't be? Questions about other people's fertility (or lack thereof). Commenting on someone else's body – yes, even if you think it's complimentary, that doesn't mean she will. Pretty much anything that starts with "When will you finally…" Avoid asking those questions you wouldn't want to answer, and you'll avoid these most obvious pitfalls.

Now What?

So you've figured out that, yes, you can say something to the coworker who keeps microwaving fish, or to the close-talking neighbor you always seem to encounter at your apartment building's mailbox. But how do you say it without offending them and creating a worse situation?

My one rule for these situations is, simply, blame yourself.  Don't make it sound like it's Co-Irker or Close-Talker's fault for being irksome and invasive; make it sound as though you are somehow strange and quirky, and they're much more likely to take your requests in stride.

"Hey, Co-Irker, I noticed you eat a lot of fish."

"It's good for you."

"I know, and I wish I liked it, but I'm so weird, even the smell is really off-putting to me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but would you mind giving me a heads-up when you're going to use the microwave for fish? Then I can open my window, and I won't have to bother you again. You're so kind to help me out."

Or:

"You know, Close, I have this horrific claustrophobia. I'm seeing someone for it, but it would be really awesome of you if you could give me some extra personal space. I'd be really grateful if you could help me out with this and be part of my recovery."

It doesn't matter that you're not weird: everyone hates the smell of fish in the microwave. It doesn't matter that you're not claustrophobic: no one likes having her bubble breached. But phrasing things this way makes it easier on all parties involved to solve the problem.

My second rule: If at all possible, pass the buck. Co-Irker can be reined in with a memo from your janitorial service about difficulty removing foul odors. Your roommate can pick up the mail three days a week. Annoying rules and regulations that customers or clients must follow can be blamed on management or the government. Commiserating with the irritating person while passing the buck makes them think you're in it together, both annoyed with whatever amorphous force you've decided to blame.

Passing the buck can also include blanket statements. When only one person in a given group is being difficult, the instinct is often to simply talk to that person. But sometimes, sending out a memo that reminds everyone in the dance class that proper undergarments are necessary is a lot easier and less confrontational than pulling aside Miss Missing Panties and having to point out that, yes, everyone looking in the mirror has been all up in her lady business for two weeks now.

What If Someone's Asking Me?

Smile. They may have just been horrifically rude to you, but if you know they have no malicious intent, a big smile paired with "I'm sorry, I don't discuss that" will go a long way toward staving off more questions on the same line, and won't return rudeness for rudeness.

Get Frosty. If they did have malicious intent, an icy expression and a simply stated, "I refuse to discuss that" is all that is required.

And after both of these, change the subject! Moving on quickly from when you plan to procreate to Aunt Myrtle's myrtles is the simplest way to redirect your interrogator's energies from pestering you to carrying on a lovely conversation.

What If It's A More Personal Relationship?

Of course, you know your friends best, and know which subjects are open for discussion. If you don't know that it's open-season on a subject, don't bring it up. If you aren't really that close to someone, don't bring it up. You may be dying of curiosity to know if Neighbor Husband really is cheating, but if all you see of Neighbor Wife is over the fence while you're gardening, leave it alone!

If your friends and loved ones are the perpetrators of bad behavior, of course you may endeavor to correct them, gently and in private. Does your sister insist on having a honeymoon registry and printing "Cash Requested" on her wedding invitations? Give her a phone call and let her know that you're worried some of the guests may be offended, and perhaps she should rethink those decisions. Be calm, be kind, be self-deprecating, and if she tells you that she won't budge, drop it. You've done your best.

If your loved one won't respond well to direct criticism, try the stealth approach. Clip an advice column or find a book or website that supports your (undoubtedly correct) viewpoint, and use it as a discussion-starter. If they ask why you've picked such a thing out, simply tell them it reminded you of their situation, and you thought they'd be interested in reading it/ seeing it/ hearing about it. Sensitive people are quick to sense judgment, so be neutral, even if inside you're screaming "Because I told you you couldn't expect the baby shower guests to write their own thank-you notes, and you wouldn't listen!"

I Won't Offend Ever Again

It is, of course, impossible to say what another person will find offensive. You may be caught off-guard by the person who insists that chatting about the weather is offensively boring, or by the boor who simply will not stop inquiring after the habits of your bowels, and is affronted when you refuse to answer.

But if you move through the world with care and consideration for your fellows, I'm sure you'll do just fine. Even with touchy questions.

And if not – Well, we're always here to advise.

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