Ann writes:
I loaned my car to my daughter for a work event she was attending. Her car was in the shop, and I offered to let her use mine because it was for an important meeting and this way she didn't have to rent a car. She was reimbursed for mileage and gas. Well, she was the driver for herself and 3 other larger ladies. I have an older car, and it seems that the weight of the 3 women plus my daughter caused the transmission to drop out from underneath. This didn't happen until I drove out from my driveway into the street the next day, My daughter said she didn't have any problems with the car.
Well, I called her company and spoke to her supervisor to tell them I feel they should reimburse me for the $140 in damages it cost to fix the dropped transmission, and they said they are not liable for what happened to my car after she returned from the meeting. My daughter is upset that I would go behind her back and contact her boss, but I did not do this to my car. She said she'd pay me half of what it cost to fix the problem, but I think her company should pay. Who's right??
Well. First of all, let me answer the question. If someone damages property that they have borrowed, they should of course offer reimbursement to repair said property or to buy a new item. It would be up to your daughter to take that reimbursement up with her boss, since she incurred the expense during a work event.
Likewise, the company has every right to deny the claim, considering any damage happened after your daughter returned the car. You shouldn't have been making the claim in the first place, and you shouldn't be upset that the company claims zero liability.
But I have to call shenanigans on the technical part of your letter. Your transmission dropped what? A gear? Out of the car? Either way, it would cost a hell of a lot more than $140 to fix any part of a transmission (except maybe a general flush and re-lube). And I don't really see any way for the weight of four people who - and yes, I'm assuming here, but I think it's a sound assumption - fit in the vehicle to make it so heavy that the transmission would fail to operate properly over the course of one day.
More likely, your transmission was failing before you ever loaned the car. I don't know if your mechanic was trying to wiggle out of failing to notice a problem at your last scheduled service, or if you made this story fit together out of a mangled understanding of physics and what was actual wrong with your vehicle, but there's just no way your daughter's coworkers caused this problem.
So, ultimately, no one owes you any money - and you probably owe your daughter an apology.
Showing posts with label Kate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kate. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Why Size Acceptance Is For Everyone
Unimportant asks a doozy:
Why is my opinion not important to my girlfriend? She is not fat as I define it, but she is not thin either. She is perfectly in the middle and I love her that way. She's not bony or bulgy, just wonderfully feminine. I get hot just thinking about her. However, she insists that her constant search for a diet that will help her lose those "extra" pounds is for my benefit. Every time she says she's doing this to be sexy for me, I tell her she IS sexy to me. But still the dieting goes on. Why? How do I make it stop? How do I get her to see what I see?
Short answer? You can't.
Long answer? You'd better get a snack and something to drink. This is going to take a while.
Well. We could start with the $40-100 billion-a-year diet industry, which makes all that obscene amount of money predominantly on the backs of women. Or we could start with fat-phobia and body fascism, most recently in the media due to Michelle Obama's fight to get rid of fat kids. Or we could start with feminism 101, and the fact that in America today, women's bodies are public property, and they are expected to be fuckable, or what good are they?
Even you, who are trying to do something nice for your girlfriend, make all sorts of qualifications in your letter. Your girlfriend isn't fat, and you still find her fuckable, so why is she dieting? She's fulfilled the aims of every woman everywhere, hasn't she? She's got a man! She's attractive! She needs to just shuck off an entire lifetime of programming, backed up by millennia of the same! She needs to just ignore all of society and listen solely to you!
That's right. All of society. Not merely fashion designers or movie producers or airbrush-happy photographers. Attacking the media for this problem is simplistic, and doesn't get at the real root of it, which is plain old, garden-variety misogyny. Women have gotten uppity lately, and there has to be some way to keep us in our place.
Making us nothing more than decorative objects is as good a way as any, isn't it? If we spend all our time getting pedicures, curling our hair, doing our makeup - DIETING - we won't spend any time being smart, funny, athletic, competitive, competent, or threatening. We won't spend any time being human, and society as a whole won't have to take us seriously. Foreign governments who routinely kill women for being raped or going to school won't have to take their women seriously, either, and they know we won't be coming to help them. We're too busy counting our Weight Watchers points, aren't we?
But wait! you say. Don't people have a responsibility to take care of their health? Being fat isn't healthy! Fatties should put down the donuts and get on the treadmill! And if they happen to be more attractive afterward, isn't that a good thing? All this fat talk and glorifying impossible bodies is just thinspiration! Just because "normal" people don't need it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist!
And my girlfriend is "normal"! She's not obese! I just want her to shut up about the diets already and enjoy a damn slice of cake!
So I'll give you the short answer again, Unimportant: You can't. When everyone around her - her friends, her doctor, the media, the government, her family, her boyfriend - makes it eminently clear that her goal in life is to be beautiful, and that to be beautiful is to never forget that she must control her body, you won't override that message. You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman.
She's just doing what you've told her to do, Unimportant. You want her to stop that?
You first.
Why is my opinion not important to my girlfriend? She is not fat as I define it, but she is not thin either. She is perfectly in the middle and I love her that way. She's not bony or bulgy, just wonderfully feminine. I get hot just thinking about her. However, she insists that her constant search for a diet that will help her lose those "extra" pounds is for my benefit. Every time she says she's doing this to be sexy for me, I tell her she IS sexy to me. But still the dieting goes on. Why? How do I make it stop? How do I get her to see what I see?
Short answer? You can't.
Long answer? You'd better get a snack and something to drink. This is going to take a while.
Well. We could start with the $40-100 billion-a-year diet industry, which makes all that obscene amount of money predominantly on the backs of women. Or we could start with fat-phobia and body fascism, most recently in the media due to Michelle Obama's fight to get rid of fat kids. Or we could start with feminism 101, and the fact that in America today, women's bodies are public property, and they are expected to be fuckable, or what good are they?
Even you, who are trying to do something nice for your girlfriend, make all sorts of qualifications in your letter. Your girlfriend isn't fat, and you still find her fuckable, so why is she dieting? She's fulfilled the aims of every woman everywhere, hasn't she? She's got a man! She's attractive! She needs to just shuck off an entire lifetime of programming, backed up by millennia of the same! She needs to just ignore all of society and listen solely to you!
That's right. All of society. Not merely fashion designers or movie producers or airbrush-happy photographers. Attacking the media for this problem is simplistic, and doesn't get at the real root of it, which is plain old, garden-variety misogyny. Women have gotten uppity lately, and there has to be some way to keep us in our place.
Making us nothing more than decorative objects is as good a way as any, isn't it? If we spend all our time getting pedicures, curling our hair, doing our makeup - DIETING - we won't spend any time being smart, funny, athletic, competitive, competent, or threatening. We won't spend any time being human, and society as a whole won't have to take us seriously. Foreign governments who routinely kill women for being raped or going to school won't have to take their women seriously, either, and they know we won't be coming to help them. We're too busy counting our Weight Watchers points, aren't we?
But wait! you say. Don't people have a responsibility to take care of their health? Being fat isn't healthy! Fatties should put down the donuts and get on the treadmill! And if they happen to be more attractive afterward, isn't that a good thing? All this fat talk and glorifying impossible bodies is just thinspiration! Just because "normal" people don't need it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist!
And my girlfriend is "normal"! She's not obese! I just want her to shut up about the diets already and enjoy a damn slice of cake!
So I'll give you the short answer again, Unimportant: You can't. When everyone around her - her friends, her doctor, the media, the government, her family, her boyfriend - makes it eminently clear that her goal in life is to be beautiful, and that to be beautiful is to never forget that she must control her body, you won't override that message. You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman.
She's just doing what you've told her to do, Unimportant. You want her to stop that?
You first.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Where The Towels Are His And His And Hers....
Jessie writes:
My husband wants to have a threesome, something I was open with when I was a college gal, but not anymore that I have two children to take care of. I'm afraid this might be a dealbreaker for him, and I am just not emotionally prepared to give up my marriage because I cannot accommodate this need of his to have a sexual experience with me and this man that he is interested in inviting into the bedroom. I know the man is attractive, but this I thought that when men fantasize over threesomes, they involve two women. Should I consider being more open to experimentation if it means keeping my husband happy?
Here's my rule about experimentation: Everyone involved has to be 100% on board. That's it. Everything else follows after enthusiastic agreement by all parties that this is a good idea.
Based on my rule? There's no way you should be having a threesome. It has nothing to do with age or kids, and everything to do with the fact that you're just not comfortable bringing someone else into the bedroom.
You say this is a "dealbreaker" for your husband. If he's threatening to divorce you over not getting a threesome? You're better off without him. Any man who makes threats when confronted by his partner's sexual limits is an asshole. He's not a good partner, he's probably not a good father, and I can't imagine he's a good lover. He's a selfish brat, and I would let the door hit him on the ass if I were you.
But if there are no threats, just a lot of talk, it may just be a favorite fantasy of his. If he only brings it up in the bedroom, it's probably just something he thinks about to get off, and he's not really expecting you to arrange it. Even the specificity of having a man in mind doesn't discount that: it may be someone he's attracted to, or someone he admires, and the thought of sharing his wife with someone he wants to be closer to for whatever reason is especially potent. Not all men envision threesomes with two women; many men like the thought of playing the "owner" of their women, and being able to pass her around to show their dominance and strength. Some men also like the thought of having a sexually voracious partner - so voracious that one man cannot hope to ever satisfy her, and so he has to allow her other lovers, and gets to watch her pleasure instead of participating in it.
I do have to wonder if you're asking me to give you permission to go ahead, though. You mention all the hot-button objections to sexual experimentation: You're not young anymore, you have kids, this will destroy your marriage. None of these are actual barriers, and the last one is patently false. Does this kind of adventure take a lot of security, planning, and talking through feelings? Hell, yes! But there's no age limit on sex, kids can go to the babysitter's, and there are plenty of happily married people who have lovers join them. There are couples whose marriages have gotten better after they confessed their kink to a loving, supportive, and communicative partner.
If you want to do this - and if you do, don't apologize for it! - go ahead. But. You and your husband should definitely seek the advice of those who have gone before you in order to effectively negotiate how the encounter will work. Will it be a one-time thing? Will it be recurring? Will you get to pick other men to bring home? Are there certain acts that will be off-limits? Does he want to watch or participate when you're with the other man?
And so on, and so on. Having never negotiated a threesome myself, I don't know exactly what conversations you need to have, but these are some of the issues that come to mind. A quick Google search turns up a lot of resources for arranging a threesome, or you could peruse the archives of a good sex columnist. A couple of sessions with a sex therapist might not be a bad idea, either, as long as the therapist is sex-positive and won't dissuade you from the threesome based on personal bias.
Whatever you decide, please send us an update. We love to hear how our contributors have used - or not used - our advice in real life.
My husband wants to have a threesome, something I was open with when I was a college gal, but not anymore that I have two children to take care of. I'm afraid this might be a dealbreaker for him, and I am just not emotionally prepared to give up my marriage because I cannot accommodate this need of his to have a sexual experience with me and this man that he is interested in inviting into the bedroom. I know the man is attractive, but this I thought that when men fantasize over threesomes, they involve two women. Should I consider being more open to experimentation if it means keeping my husband happy?
Here's my rule about experimentation: Everyone involved has to be 100% on board. That's it. Everything else follows after enthusiastic agreement by all parties that this is a good idea.
Based on my rule? There's no way you should be having a threesome. It has nothing to do with age or kids, and everything to do with the fact that you're just not comfortable bringing someone else into the bedroom.
You say this is a "dealbreaker" for your husband. If he's threatening to divorce you over not getting a threesome? You're better off without him. Any man who makes threats when confronted by his partner's sexual limits is an asshole. He's not a good partner, he's probably not a good father, and I can't imagine he's a good lover. He's a selfish brat, and I would let the door hit him on the ass if I were you.
But if there are no threats, just a lot of talk, it may just be a favorite fantasy of his. If he only brings it up in the bedroom, it's probably just something he thinks about to get off, and he's not really expecting you to arrange it. Even the specificity of having a man in mind doesn't discount that: it may be someone he's attracted to, or someone he admires, and the thought of sharing his wife with someone he wants to be closer to for whatever reason is especially potent. Not all men envision threesomes with two women; many men like the thought of playing the "owner" of their women, and being able to pass her around to show their dominance and strength. Some men also like the thought of having a sexually voracious partner - so voracious that one man cannot hope to ever satisfy her, and so he has to allow her other lovers, and gets to watch her pleasure instead of participating in it.
I do have to wonder if you're asking me to give you permission to go ahead, though. You mention all the hot-button objections to sexual experimentation: You're not young anymore, you have kids, this will destroy your marriage. None of these are actual barriers, and the last one is patently false. Does this kind of adventure take a lot of security, planning, and talking through feelings? Hell, yes! But there's no age limit on sex, kids can go to the babysitter's, and there are plenty of happily married people who have lovers join them. There are couples whose marriages have gotten better after they confessed their kink to a loving, supportive, and communicative partner.
If you want to do this - and if you do, don't apologize for it! - go ahead. But. You and your husband should definitely seek the advice of those who have gone before you in order to effectively negotiate how the encounter will work. Will it be a one-time thing? Will it be recurring? Will you get to pick other men to bring home? Are there certain acts that will be off-limits? Does he want to watch or participate when you're with the other man?
And so on, and so on. Having never negotiated a threesome myself, I don't know exactly what conversations you need to have, but these are some of the issues that come to mind. A quick Google search turns up a lot of resources for arranging a threesome, or you could peruse the archives of a good sex columnist. A couple of sessions with a sex therapist might not be a bad idea, either, as long as the therapist is sex-positive and won't dissuade you from the threesome based on personal bias.
Whatever you decide, please send us an update. We love to hear how our contributors have used - or not used - our advice in real life.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Why Grammar Is Less Science, More Art
Curious and Glamorous writes:
Why does the u in glamour move down the road when it becomes glamorous? Are there other words that work this way?
"Glamour" is the British spelling of "glamor". The u doesn't move; you're just mixing your spellings. It's "glamourous" in Britain.
Other words with extra u's include color, favorite, and honor (colour, favourite, and honour).
The deviation started in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, when English spelling was first codified by the publication of dictionaries. According to Wikipedia, Brits follow Johnson's Dictionary of the English Language, while Americans looked to Webster's An American Dictionary of the English Language.
Commenters claiming non-codification or differences in codification as reasons spelling shouldn't matter will be summarily mocked. Especially if they spell anything incorrectly.
Why does the u in glamour move down the road when it becomes glamorous? Are there other words that work this way?
"Glamour" is the British spelling of "glamor". The u doesn't move; you're just mixing your spellings. It's "glamourous" in Britain.
Other words with extra u's include color, favorite, and honor (colour, favourite, and honour).
The deviation started in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, when English spelling was first codified by the publication of dictionaries. According to Wikipedia, Brits follow Johnson's Dictionary of the English Language, while Americans looked to Webster's An American Dictionary of the English Language.
Commenters claiming non-codification or differences in codification as reasons spelling shouldn't matter will be summarily mocked. Especially if they spell anything incorrectly.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Is It Your Womb? Then Shut Up.
Lucie writes:
I am so excited to be a grandparent to be! My son told me his wife is newly pregnant, and in my excitement I started to tell our friends and family members about the new arrival. My son found out, and he became upset with me because he asked me to not tell people yet. But how can I keep the news to myself??? This is a joyous occasion! They had trouble conceiving he finally admitted and was worried about the outcome, but I think he's just paranoid. What could possibly happen?
Besides, all of our friends and family members are excited and so happy to know their news, so it's a good thing I shared. My son seems to be the opposite, and I think perhaps he's just not as happy as he should be. I don't know why he wants to take this away from me, but he doesn't even want to talk about the new baby. Any advice on how to make him see that this is a happy thing and he should be overjoyed like I am? This is my first grandbaby, coming in late April!
So your son asked you not to do something, and you did it anyway. When he got upset, you told him that you're just excited, and he's just paranoid, and you didn't do anything wrong.
Regardless of what the subject is - pregnancy, buying a new car, whatever - you're wrong. Your son confided in you because you're a close family member, and because he trusted you with a secret. You not only trampled that trust, but you completely dismissed his feelings of betrayal.
Whether or not he's paranoid, you're selfish. Don't be surprised if he never tells you anything sensitive again.
And "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, let's see: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, birth defects - there are plenty of things that can go wrong, and lots of ways to lose a baby, especially early on. I wouldn't want to have to tell people I lost a child, and I certainly wouldn't want it to be common knowledge to every random person my mother encounters in the course of a day.
Think beyond yourself. This is not about you.
I am so excited to be a grandparent to be! My son told me his wife is newly pregnant, and in my excitement I started to tell our friends and family members about the new arrival. My son found out, and he became upset with me because he asked me to not tell people yet. But how can I keep the news to myself??? This is a joyous occasion! They had trouble conceiving he finally admitted and was worried about the outcome, but I think he's just paranoid. What could possibly happen?
Besides, all of our friends and family members are excited and so happy to know their news, so it's a good thing I shared. My son seems to be the opposite, and I think perhaps he's just not as happy as he should be. I don't know why he wants to take this away from me, but he doesn't even want to talk about the new baby. Any advice on how to make him see that this is a happy thing and he should be overjoyed like I am? This is my first grandbaby, coming in late April!
So your son asked you not to do something, and you did it anyway. When he got upset, you told him that you're just excited, and he's just paranoid, and you didn't do anything wrong.
Regardless of what the subject is - pregnancy, buying a new car, whatever - you're wrong. Your son confided in you because you're a close family member, and because he trusted you with a secret. You not only trampled that trust, but you completely dismissed his feelings of betrayal.
Whether or not he's paranoid, you're selfish. Don't be surprised if he never tells you anything sensitive again.
And "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, let's see: miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, birth defects - there are plenty of things that can go wrong, and lots of ways to lose a baby, especially early on. I wouldn't want to have to tell people I lost a child, and I certainly wouldn't want it to be common knowledge to every random person my mother encounters in the course of a day.
Think beyond yourself. This is not about you.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
See If You Can Guess Our Theme Today
Erica writes:
An old friend recently 'friended' me on Facebook. Back in the day he told me that he was in love with me. I led him on for a while but then met my current husband and let him down gently. We kept in contact for several months after that, but as I got more involved with my husband, we lost touch.
When we first connected on Facebook, I sent him a message something like "Hey, good to see you again. I hope your life is good." He didn't write back. A week later I saw lots of "Congrats, man." posts on his wall and then he changed his status to married and posted a pic from the wedding. In other words, he friended me about a week before his wedding.
So now I'm thinking that he probably was checking in to see if I was available before he went through with the wedding. He friended me, then saw that my status was "married" and saw pictures of my two kids and it probably broke his heart all over again.
Should I reach out to him and acknowledge what he must have been feeling before his wedding? I feel sorry for his new wife. No bride should have to be a runner-up.
What on earth could you possibly accomplish by doing this, aside from ruining a marriage? This may be one of the worst ideas I've ever seen in our inbox, seriously.
You may think that "no bride should have to be a runner-up", but lemme tell you something: there's no law that says he'll treat her badly, not love her, or tell her every day how he could have done so much better. He may be very much in love with her - you don't know why he friended you, after all, because he chose not to indulge in anything but a superficial online relationship with you. I know that as I approached my wedding, I thought about my exes, and even reconnected with one around the same time. It was nice to catch up with him, but it only confirmed for me that my husband is the one that I should have married, the one who's best for me.
Your friend could have simply been indulging in something similar. It's harmless, and it's normal, and it's not all about you. I find it really quite vain of you to assume that he's still pining for you, and that his wife is only second-best. Yay for you having oodles of self-esteem, but for realz, nobody is that amazing outside of novels and movies.
Stay out of it.
An old friend recently 'friended' me on Facebook. Back in the day he told me that he was in love with me. I led him on for a while but then met my current husband and let him down gently. We kept in contact for several months after that, but as I got more involved with my husband, we lost touch.
When we first connected on Facebook, I sent him a message something like "Hey, good to see you again. I hope your life is good." He didn't write back. A week later I saw lots of "Congrats, man." posts on his wall and then he changed his status to married and posted a pic from the wedding. In other words, he friended me about a week before his wedding.
So now I'm thinking that he probably was checking in to see if I was available before he went through with the wedding. He friended me, then saw that my status was "married" and saw pictures of my two kids and it probably broke his heart all over again.
Should I reach out to him and acknowledge what he must have been feeling before his wedding? I feel sorry for his new wife. No bride should have to be a runner-up.
What on earth could you possibly accomplish by doing this, aside from ruining a marriage? This may be one of the worst ideas I've ever seen in our inbox, seriously.
You may think that "no bride should have to be a runner-up", but lemme tell you something: there's no law that says he'll treat her badly, not love her, or tell her every day how he could have done so much better. He may be very much in love with her - you don't know why he friended you, after all, because he chose not to indulge in anything but a superficial online relationship with you. I know that as I approached my wedding, I thought about my exes, and even reconnected with one around the same time. It was nice to catch up with him, but it only confirmed for me that my husband is the one that I should have married, the one who's best for me.
Your friend could have simply been indulging in something similar. It's harmless, and it's normal, and it's not all about you. I find it really quite vain of you to assume that he's still pining for you, and that his wife is only second-best. Yay for you having oodles of self-esteem, but for realz, nobody is that amazing outside of novels and movies.
Stay out of it.
Sure You're Not
Perplexed writes:
My best friend is currently dating a stupid little twit who frankly is a complete waste of oxygen. To clarify, my feelings have nothing to do with jealousy. I have no desire to be anything more than friends with him. However it annoys me greatly to see him being taken advantage of and even more that he's too dense to pick up the fact that she is using him. Is there any tactful way to tell my friend that his girlfriend has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and that he can and should do much much better?
Methinks thou doth protest too much.
Why does this bother you so much? If he's a twit, what do you care if he's taken advantage of? (For that matter, why are you friends with him?)
The fact is, you don't actually know what he knows. He may be fully aware of the one-sidedness of the relationship, and simply not care. He may not actually care as much about your best friend as if appears.
No one outside a relationship really knows what goes on inside it, and it's none of your business. Likewise, it's not your job to fix this guy's life, especially when you can't even be sure anything's broken.
I think you need to take a look at yourself, and why this bothers you so much. I mean, it's his life; it doesn't actually affect you in any way. Are you, in fact, jealous, and in denial? Does this strike some particular chord with you - did you have a similar experience, and are still not over it?
It's time to stop meddling and start soul-searching.
My best friend is currently dating a stupid little twit who frankly is a complete waste of oxygen. To clarify, my feelings have nothing to do with jealousy. I have no desire to be anything more than friends with him. However it annoys me greatly to see him being taken advantage of and even more that he's too dense to pick up the fact that she is using him. Is there any tactful way to tell my friend that his girlfriend has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and that he can and should do much much better?
Methinks thou doth protest too much.
Why does this bother you so much? If he's a twit, what do you care if he's taken advantage of? (For that matter, why are you friends with him?)
The fact is, you don't actually know what he knows. He may be fully aware of the one-sidedness of the relationship, and simply not care. He may not actually care as much about your best friend as if appears.
No one outside a relationship really knows what goes on inside it, and it's none of your business. Likewise, it's not your job to fix this guy's life, especially when you can't even be sure anything's broken.
I think you need to take a look at yourself, and why this bothers you so much. I mean, it's his life; it doesn't actually affect you in any way. Are you, in fact, jealous, and in denial? Does this strike some particular chord with you - did you have a similar experience, and are still not over it?
It's time to stop meddling and start soul-searching.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tuesday Quickies!
Jannie writes:
My coworker recently got a tattoo, right behind her ear. It's cute, there's no policy against it. When I noticed it because she was wearing her hair up, I told her it was such a cute tattoo, and she immediately covered it with her hand and took her hair down. Neither of us said anything after that. we worked together for about a year, so I was not sure why she reacted so weird. Did I do something wrong by saying anything?
I can't think of anything you did wrong. Complimenting someone is almost always a good idea, and unless you were backhanded with your praise ("That tattoo's so cute: it draws attention away from your freaky Spock ears!"), you were fine.
Though if you find out why your coworker is so weird, please, give us the scoop. I'm dying of curiosity now!
My coworker recently got a tattoo, right behind her ear. It's cute, there's no policy against it. When I noticed it because she was wearing her hair up, I told her it was such a cute tattoo, and she immediately covered it with her hand and took her hair down. Neither of us said anything after that. we worked together for about a year, so I was not sure why she reacted so weird. Did I do something wrong by saying anything?
I can't think of anything you did wrong. Complimenting someone is almost always a good idea, and unless you were backhanded with your praise ("That tattoo's so cute: it draws attention away from your freaky Spock ears!"), you were fine.
Though if you find out why your coworker is so weird, please, give us the scoop. I'm dying of curiosity now!
# # #
Susie asks:
Why do we say "a pair of panties" when there is only one article of clothing to which we are referring?
For the same reason we say "a pair of pants" - we have two legs, the garment has two leg holes, and we naturally turn these things into plurals.
More specifically, because it's a derivation of a word (pants) that has no singular form, also called a plurale tantum.
# # #
Ashamed And In Love writes:
My husband is very open to experimentation in the bedroom and for that I am happy because he loves fooling around. Lately he's asked if I would dominate him because he's curious, and if I wanted to use a strapon to teach him a lesson. I am not comfortable with this, and it makes me wonder if he has gay tenancies since he wants me to use a device to simulate gay sex acts on him. Please help.
If he owns rental properties and gay people pay him to live there, then yes. He has "gay tenancies".
If you're asking if your husband is gay because he wants to experiment? I refer you to my archives.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
That's Not Your Problem
Stef writes:
My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?
So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?
Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.
The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.
You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies.
Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him?
Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?
If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.
If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes.
This is no way to live. So stop living it.
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?
So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?
Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.
The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.
You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies.
Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him?
Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?
If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.
If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes.
This is no way to live. So stop living it.
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Fun With Etymology
Curious Kat writes:
Where does the word "dingbat" come from? it's one of my favorites.
While today the word "dingbat" is commonly understood to refer to only two things - stupid, flighty people and printers' characters - the first known use of the word is from 1838, when it was used to refer to an alcoholic drink. The word is of unknown origin, but belongs to the family of words we use when referring to something whose proper name is unknown: thingumabob, doohickey, gadget.
According to Dictionary.com, the word has, in its history, meant: "money," "a professional tramp," "a muffin," "a typographical ornament," "male genitalia," "a Chinese," "an Italian,""a woman who is neither your sister nor your mother," and "a foolish person in authority."
"Dingbat!"
"That's what she said!"
Where does the word "dingbat" come from? it's one of my favorites.
While today the word "dingbat" is commonly understood to refer to only two things - stupid, flighty people and printers' characters - the first known use of the word is from 1838, when it was used to refer to an alcoholic drink. The word is of unknown origin, but belongs to the family of words we use when referring to something whose proper name is unknown: thingumabob, doohickey, gadget.
According to Dictionary.com, the word has, in its history, meant: "money," "a professional tramp," "a muffin," "a typographical ornament," "male genitalia," "a Chinese," "an Italian,""a woman who is neither your sister nor your mother," and "a foolish person in authority."
"Dingbat!"
"That's what she said!"
Bet I Can Guess His Grade-School Nickname!
Serena asks:
How do I get my husband to stop picking his nose in front of me? I asked him, and I tell him to use a tissue when I catch him. I just want him to not do it.
On the plus side, at least he feels comfortable enough around you to completely forget his manners, amiright?
I think the best way to change his behavior is to make the consequence of it so great he can't ignore it. Every time he starts booger-mining, I would leave the room. No matter what's going on, what you're involved in, I would simply stand up and leave. Don't say anything to him as you go, either.
When you think he's probably done, come back in. When he asks what that was all about, explain that you refuse to watch him be so gross, so every time he picks his nose, you'll be leaving the room. I mean, one of you should, right? Ideally, it would be him, going to the bathroom where he can use a tissue and wash his hands, but since that's not happening, it's gotta be you. At least for the foreseeable future.
How do I get my husband to stop picking his nose in front of me? I asked him, and I tell him to use a tissue when I catch him. I just want him to not do it.
On the plus side, at least he feels comfortable enough around you to completely forget his manners, amiright?
I think the best way to change his behavior is to make the consequence of it so great he can't ignore it. Every time he starts booger-mining, I would leave the room. No matter what's going on, what you're involved in, I would simply stand up and leave. Don't say anything to him as you go, either.
When you think he's probably done, come back in. When he asks what that was all about, explain that you refuse to watch him be so gross, so every time he picks his nose, you'll be leaving the room. I mean, one of you should, right? Ideally, it would be him, going to the bathroom where he can use a tissue and wash his hands, but since that's not happening, it's gotta be you. At least for the foreseeable future.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
That's Okay, I Didn't Like Snacks at the Movies, Anyway.
Alvina writes:
My feet are quite fragrant towards the middle of the day, and I like to kick my shoes off at my desk and let them air out. I am not offended by the aroma and I often enjoy it. How do I know if someone else may be offended in the desks next to mine, should I just ask them? It's sometimes like popcorn so it's actually pretty pleasant.
No, it's not. It's disgusting. I would put actual cash money down that your coworkers are wondering how to tell you to keep your damn shoes on.
If you want to smell your grody foot stank, feel free to do so - in your own home.
My feet are quite fragrant towards the middle of the day, and I like to kick my shoes off at my desk and let them air out. I am not offended by the aroma and I often enjoy it. How do I know if someone else may be offended in the desks next to mine, should I just ask them? It's sometimes like popcorn so it's actually pretty pleasant.
No, it's not. It's disgusting. I would put actual cash money down that your coworkers are wondering how to tell you to keep your damn shoes on.
If you want to smell your grody foot stank, feel free to do so - in your own home.
Wait, Parent Is A Verb?
Eekers writes:
What do you think is wrong with this kid? We were visiting my cousin the other day, and my cousin was talking to her older daughter in the bedroom privately. Her 6 year old kept running and throwing herself into the door to get her mother's attention. I told her to stop, my husband told her to stop, and her reply was "but I need to talk to mom!"
Well, her mom came out, yelled at her because she was talking and she shouldn't interrupt her without knocking, but then she told the kid she'll come out of the room to spend time with her, and then picked her up to give her a hug and kiss. I was so annoyed about it, but hey, it's not my kid. I just want to know if that's normal behavior for a 6 year old or maybe if it's because I know nothing about children.
Normal for the six-year-old? Yes. As the parent of one myself, I can say that they hate to be left out of things - they always think they're missing something. Totally understandable that she would try to get her mother's attention.
But. Your cousin is doing that kid absolutely no favors by failing to discipline her. Make no mistake: even though she yelled, her daughter knows - because of the hug, kiss, and kowtowing to her wishes - that Mom is never really going to mean what she says. She already knows that she doesn't have to listen to adults: she failed to listen to you or your husband, right? Cousin is teaching this kid that she's entitled to have things her way, all the time, and that's going to serve her very ill in life indeed.
Of course, there's nothing for you to do about it. Just realize that if you want to see your cuz, you'll have to put up with Precious Little Bratleigh, too.
What do you think is wrong with this kid? We were visiting my cousin the other day, and my cousin was talking to her older daughter in the bedroom privately. Her 6 year old kept running and throwing herself into the door to get her mother's attention. I told her to stop, my husband told her to stop, and her reply was "but I need to talk to mom!"
Well, her mom came out, yelled at her because she was talking and she shouldn't interrupt her without knocking, but then she told the kid she'll come out of the room to spend time with her, and then picked her up to give her a hug and kiss. I was so annoyed about it, but hey, it's not my kid. I just want to know if that's normal behavior for a 6 year old or maybe if it's because I know nothing about children.
Normal for the six-year-old? Yes. As the parent of one myself, I can say that they hate to be left out of things - they always think they're missing something. Totally understandable that she would try to get her mother's attention.
But. Your cousin is doing that kid absolutely no favors by failing to discipline her. Make no mistake: even though she yelled, her daughter knows - because of the hug, kiss, and kowtowing to her wishes - that Mom is never really going to mean what she says. She already knows that she doesn't have to listen to adults: she failed to listen to you or your husband, right? Cousin is teaching this kid that she's entitled to have things her way, all the time, and that's going to serve her very ill in life indeed.
Of course, there's nothing for you to do about it. Just realize that if you want to see your cuz, you'll have to put up with Precious Little Bratleigh, too.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Quickies!
Lamonica writes:
My coworker constantly farts loudly, loud enough that I know it's not one that escaped. It happens often. I don;t care if it is her diet or some other issue. Is there a way to let her know she farts all the time without being offensive? It's annoying to have to listen to and sometimes they smell.
Have you ever farted and not known you did so? I didn't think so.
She knows she has a problem. There is no way to bring this up politely. If you really can't live with it, you can try sending an anonymous email, but that's passive-aggressive and probably won't help the situation at all.
Keep some air freshener at your desk, and eat broccoli at lunch.
My coworker constantly farts loudly, loud enough that I know it's not one that escaped. It happens often. I don;t care if it is her diet or some other issue. Is there a way to let her know she farts all the time without being offensive? It's annoying to have to listen to and sometimes they smell.
Have you ever farted and not known you did so? I didn't think so.
She knows she has a problem. There is no way to bring this up politely. If you really can't live with it, you can try sending an anonymous email, but that's passive-aggressive and probably won't help the situation at all.
Keep some air freshener at your desk, and eat broccoli at lunch.
# # #
Kipper writes:
What is that white slimy, stringy stuff that comes out of our eyes? I am obsessed with playing with it! It tickles when i pull it out of my eye. But if it's bad to do I will stop.
Um, ew. That sounds like pink eye, frankly, but I hope you're just referring to regular eye discharge - what little kids might call "eye boogers" or "sand", from the Sandman.
Discharge not associated with an infection like pink eye is often a reaction to an attempted bacterial infection or some irritant in or near the eye. Makeup, an eyelash, even dust can result in excessive eye discharge.
In general, discharge is not harmful. You should seek medical attention if it's yellowish, seals your eyes shut, or continues throughout the day.
# # #
Val asks:
I like to keep my lady business bare. But recently my husband has mentioned switching off once in a while and having something there to look at. the grow out process is a bitch! What do you think about cutting an inch or so of hair from my head and making a little temporary wig out of it? I could even buy colorful wigs that go on your head and repurpose them. Pink, blue and purple sound fun. Is it possible?
I have one word for you: Merkins (link may not be SFW). A merkin is a pubic wig, and if you Google, you'll find plenty of places to buy them in all colors and sizes and styles. Enjoy!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I'll Bet Her Breasts Are "Dirty Pillows"
Salvatrice writes:
I am embarrassed. I like my husband's thing, but sometimes I don't want to touch it just yet because of the goo coming out of the one end. I asked him if it was an STD because I am not so sure what kinds of things men deal with, and he said no. I don't know if I believe him. I keep tissues by the bed to wipe it off before we do it. Do you think this is a sign he cheated and caught a disease? I was a virgin but I am not sure he was when we got married because he said he was, but now I am not so sure because I did not see it leaking goo in photographs. Help. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to catch an STD either!
OK, people, listen up: This is what you get from abstinence-only sex education. This woman can't even call a penis a penis.
Salvatrice, that "goo" is probably pre-ejaculate, also known as pre-come. It helps to lubricate the urethra to make a safe, clean pathway for sperm. It is perfectly healthy, and a normal part of intercourse. The amount of pre-ejaculate varies from man to man, but almost all men produce at least a little bit. For some men, the amount is linked to arousal: the more intense and arousing the foreplay, the more pre-ejaculate he'll secrete.
Pre-ejaculate can contain STI pathogens, but the presence of sperm in it has been found to be rare.
I cannot recommend strongly enough that you invest in several basic sex and sexuality handbooks. A quick Amazon search for "sex and sexuality" brings up over 2,000 results. Read them cover to cover, and if you have more questions, seek out more answers. You can also consult a professional sex educator or sexologist in your area (Google "sex educators" with your city and state) and ask what s/he recommends to help you learn the basic facts about sex, sexuality, and sexual anatomy.
DO NOT watch porn for answers. Porn is very helpful in discovering kinks and predilictions, but it will be useless in helping you discover the facts about basic human sexual function. You need good, solid, medically-based information, and you need it yesterday.
Understanding basic sexual functioning and learning the proper names for body parts will, I promise, do wonders for your sex life, too. Once you're comfortable with the basics, you'll be able to explore your sexual likes and dislikes with your husband. But without a grounding in the basics, you'll never be able to discuss sex like the grown adults you are.
And to anyone else reading: This is why basic sex education is important. Every person should have access to basic, age-appropriate, medically accurate information about sex. I was lucky enough to have comprehensive sex ed in school, but there are plenty of other ways to get this information. Sex columnists like Dan Savage, websites like Scarleteen and Carnal Nation, and books like The Joy Of Sex are all excellent, sex-positive, accurate resources.
No one should go to her marriage bed calling a penis a "thing" and a normal secretion "goo".
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I Don't Think "Overbearing" Quite Covers It
Help! writes:
My fiance's family is a little nuts I think. His aunt asked us if certain friends of the family were invited, and due to budget and space, certain people were excluded from our list. We explained this to her, and kept the guest list to only immediate family members and very VERY few friends. His aunt printed up invitations on her computer with our wedding information on it and handed them out to the people she felt should have been invited, which is total about 20 people.
My future mother in law defended his aunt saying that she was just excited and we should let her just have this moment of happiness or whatever, but we're not in a position to let people create their own guest lists!!! I mean, we're adults and shouldn't be bullied by our elders into doing what they want us to do.
We have contacted these people as well as his aunt, but we're now afraid that some people may have been given an invitation without RSVPing and will just show up. Would it be wrong to now contact the people
who we originally invited to ask them to present their invitation, the one WE sent to them, at the venue entrance so they could go in and have a place to sit? We don't know how to anticipate the crashers.
who we originally invited to ask them to present their invitation, the one WE sent to them, at the venue entrance so they could go in and have a place to sit? We don't know how to anticipate the crashers.
Well, no, I wouldn't have my guests present an invitation. They've been invited, and are abiding by the rules: why should they have to prove that they're in the right? That's terrible hosting.
But it's not rude to politely turn away uninvited guests at the door. If you can station a couple of people near the door, they should be able to head off the uninvited as they come in, or while they search for their table assignments or something similar. Anyone you choose for this job should be able to steer the offenders toward the door, telling them kindly but firmly that, no, in fact, letting them in simply won't be possible. Hope they have a good night.
But more troubling to me is that you never say what your fiance did about his mother and aunt. Did he tell them this was unacceptable behavior? Did he make it absolutely crystal clear that this was an appalling stunt? Or did he just sort of let them get away with it, and then clean up the mess?
Because, honey, if he's not reading them the riot act? This won't be the last time you're cleaning up a mess they insist they had a right to make. Do you want to live with that for the next fifty or sixty years?
Only worry about the uninvited once you've answered that question - because depending on how this situation went down, that worry might be moot.
When Family Gatherings Collide
Secret writes:
My wedding was yesterday. It was, well, there are no words. One of my mother's cousin's died in a horrific car accident last Wednesday, and it was a sad time for everyone. The funeral was planned by her children, for yesterday morning. We reluctantly decided to go through with the wedding since it was only several days out and so many of my new husband's family was in from another state to see us get married. They did not know my mom's cousin.
Well, many of my mother's relatives thought it was disrespectful for us to not cancel the wedding but we did not have insurance to get our money back. Some called my mother the evening before to see if we were cancelling, some flat out told her at the funeral that they couldn't sit and pretend to be happy for us when we were pretending that nothing more than our day was important. I swear we don't!! So about 45 of the guests on my side of the family did not show up to the reception and the room was quite empty, the guest list was only about 125 people. We would have considered cancelling if we knew we'd have to pay for 45+ no show guests and lose all of that money.
But regardless of all of that, since the money would have been spent anyway, should I issue a formal apology to my mother's relatives for going through with the wedding? We attended the funeral the morning of the wedding to show our respect so we cannot understand why so many guests decided to stay home to prove a point. Please help. We're sad we decided to get married that day after all if it was going to cause a family rift.
Yikes. That's a terrible situation to be in.
I think you were right to go ahead with the wedding. You don't say how close you or your mother were to this cousin, but I'm getting the vibe that it wasn't very. You attended the funeral that morning, you paid your respects. I'm not sure how cancelling your wedding would have shown more respect than that. I doubt it was an especially raucous affair: who wants to party hardy when they've just been at a funeral?
Your relatives are grieving, and grief can do strange things to people. I would let the subject drop until you have a reason to contact or see these relatives again - and then wait for them to bring it up. If they ignore it, they probably feel terrible for getting angry with you, but aren't sure how to go about apologizing themselves. If they apologize, accept gracefully; if they yell at you, apologize to them. Keep in mind that this isn't really about you at all: it's about them, and how they're dealing with the loss of a loved one.
Babies, Babies, Babies!
Mary writes:
My friend is newly pregnant, so I listen to her explode with joy over her news, rightfully so! It's an exciting time for her! But no matter what we are talking about, she manages to either bring up her pregnancy or change the subject to start talking about it. I don't think I can take another 7 months of this! How do I cope without turning and walking in the other direction when she passive-agressively brings up her pregnancy again? I mean, it's not like I am going to forget she's pregnant if 5 minutes go by and we don't talk about it.
Have you ever had something major happen in your life? Gotten married, moved far away for an awesome job - anything like that?
I can guarantee you talked about it all. the. time. I can guarantee your friends got bored with you, but they understood it was a temporary thing, and that you were really excited. They were probably happy for you, and knew that once your life calmed down, you'd have other things to talk about again. They knew, too, that when they had happy news, you'd grant them the same leeway.
Or would you? The fact that you call your friend's preoccupation "passive-aggressive" gives me pause, here. Is she not a very good friend? Is she generally self-centered? Are you?
Pregnancy is a big deal. It is consuming her world, and she may not have anyone else to share this with. I think you're entitled to be bored, and to want to dial it down a little. It's perfectly acceptable for you to steer the conversation away from pregnancy, every time she brings it up. Acknowledge what she's said, and move on. "That's fascinating, Sue. Did you see in the news that ...."
But don't be bitter or angry about this. If it really bothers you that much, you may need to let the friendship lapse - or look seriously at why that might be the case.
I Believe the Children Are Our Future
Elsa writes:
Why do people with large strollers think that everyone around them has to move out of their way, wait for them to decide to walk, and hold doors when we might be in more of a hurry? Maybe manufacturers should include owner instructions for people who don't realize that the large SUV sized strollers are an inconvenience, and it's not only them walking the streets needing to go places.
Didn't you know? Because people with children are more important than you are. Our sacred wombs spat forth the sacred next generation, and because we have to form and mold and teach these fragile little minds, we are entitled to do whatever will ensure that they have the best of everything, including elevator spaces.
Seriously, it's because these people are rude, plain and simple. They believe they're entitled to all the space, and nothing you do is going to change their minds.
That said, there's nothing wrong with saying "Excuse me" when they're invading you, or in pointing out that they've just assaulted you with their wheels. They probably won't give a shit, but at least you will have - politely, please - spoken up for yourself.
Let it comfort you to know that someday, you'll be responsible for hiring and firing their rude, entitled offspring, and will be able to use your power for the good of the rest of us.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thursday Quickies!
Befuddled and Broke writes:
A friend asked me to organize a baby shower for her. My home isn't big enough to host the party, and I can't afford to host it in a restaurant. I discussed this with other friends who will be attending and the decision has been made to hold a no-host baby brunch where guests will be expected to pay for their own meal. If it is rude to ask guests to pay for their own meal and bring a gift, can I just ask them to lunch and then because it is in honor of the soon-to-arrive baby, people may use this as an opportunity to bring the mom a gift...or not? In other words, I won't call it a shower and won't list registry information. How should I word the invitation?
You shouldn't. You aren't hosting anything, so there's no reason to have invitations. If you want to organize a get-together at a restaurant, do so by phoning or emailing people. And make sure you tell them this is not a party, and there will be no host.
Be prepared, however, for your friend not to be very happy. She's grabby enough to ask someone for a shower, she'll be grabby enough to be disappointed that you refuse to be rude in order to give her one.
# # #
Jess asks:
My birthday has always been on a Friday but this year it is on Thursday. Why? Is this a leap year or something?
Wait, what? Your birthday has always been on a Friday? That's impossible. No single date stays fixed on a particular day of the week from year to year. From Wikipedia: "Not counting leap years, any calendar date will move to the next day of the week the following year."
So, yeah. I think you have larger problems than what day of the week your birthday falls on this year. Maybe you should have those looked at.
# # #
Nicole asks:
My husband likes the way smooth legs feel, so not only does he encourage me to shave my legs twice a day, he has also started to shave his own legs along with his underarms. He'll sit there while we watch TV and rub lotion along his own legs. Is this a sign that he might be gay?
No.
Honestly, I feel like we get an "Is he gay?" question once a week. And none of them involve the husband never having sex with the wife, or the wife finding him with his dick up some guy's ass.
The guy likes smooth skin. I honestly can't even imagine what random connection in your head links "smooth skin" and "gay", but whatever, he's not. At least, not based on your letter.
I highly recommend that you, and anyone who's been thinking of posting a letter like this, educate yourself about what homosexuality is. An organization like PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) or the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) can give you the information you need, or point you in the direction of a reputable sex educator.
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