Why Size Acceptance Is For Everyone

Unimportant asks a doozy:


Why is my opinion not important to my girlfriend? She is not fat as I define it, but she is not thin either. She is perfectly in the middle and I love her that way. She's not bony or bulgy, just wonderfully feminine. I get hot just thinking about her. However, she insists that her constant search for a diet that will help her lose those "extra" pounds is for my benefit. Every time she says she's doing this to be sexy for me, I tell her she IS sexy to me. But still the dieting goes on. Why? How do I make it stop? How do I get her to see what I see?


Short answer? You can't.


Long answer? You'd better get a snack and something to drink. This is going to take a while. 


Well. We could start with the $40-100 billion-a-year diet industry, which makes all that obscene amount of money predominantly on the backs of women. Or we could start with fat-phobia and body fascism, most recently in the media due to Michelle Obama's fight to get rid of fat kids. Or we could start with feminism 101, and the fact that in America today, women's bodies are public property, and they are expected to be fuckable, or what good are they?


Even you, who are trying to do something nice for your girlfriend, make all sorts of qualifications in your letter. Your girlfriend isn't fat, and you still find her fuckable, so why is she dieting? She's fulfilled the aims of every woman everywhere, hasn't she? She's got a man! She's attractive! She needs to just shuck off an entire lifetime of programming, backed up by millennia of the same! She needs to just ignore all of society and listen solely to you!


That's right. All of society.  Not merely fashion designers or movie producers or airbrush-happy photographers. Attacking the media for this problem is simplistic, and doesn't get at the real root of it, which is plain old, garden-variety misogyny. Women have gotten uppity lately, and there has to be some way to keep us in our place. 


Making us nothing more than decorative objects is as good a way as any, isn't it? If we spend all our time getting pedicures, curling our hair, doing our makeup - DIETING - we won't spend any time being smart, funny, athletic, competitive, competent, or threatening. We won't spend any time being human, and society as a whole won't have to take us seriously. Foreign governments who routinely kill women for being raped or going to school won't have to take their women seriously, either, and they know we won't be coming to help them. We're too busy counting our Weight Watchers points, aren't we?


But wait! you say. Don't people have a responsibility to take care of their health? Being fat isn't healthy! Fatties should put down the donuts and get on the treadmill! And if they happen to be more attractive afterward, isn't that a good thing? All this fat talk and glorifying impossible bodies is just thinspiration! Just because "normal" people don't need it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist!


And my girlfriend is "normal"! She's not obese! I just want her to shut up about the diets already and enjoy a damn slice of cake!


So I'll give you the short answer again, Unimportant: You can't. When everyone around her - her friends, her doctor, the media, the government, her family, her boyfriend - makes it eminently clear that her goal in life is to be beautiful, and that to be beautiful is to never forget that she must control her body, you won't override that message. You claim your opinion is unimportant to her, but she's made a note of every body you find unacceptable, every fat joke you've ever made, every time you've denigrated a skinny model for having visible bones. She knows your opinion is that you want a hot, sexy, beautiful woman.


She's just doing what you've told her to do, Unimportant. You want her to stop that?


You first. 

Sure You're Not

Perplexed writes:


My best friend is currently dating a stupid little twit who frankly is a complete waste of oxygen.  To clarify, my feelings have nothing to do with jealousy.  I have no desire to be anything more than friends with him.  However it annoys me greatly to see him being taken advantage of and even more that he's too dense to pick up the fact that she is using him.  Is there any tactful way to tell my friend that his girlfriend has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and that he can and should do much much better?


Methinks thou doth protest too much.


Why does this bother you so much? If he's a twit, what do you care if he's taken advantage of? (For that matter, why are you friends with him?) 


The fact is, you don't actually know what he knows. He may be fully aware of the one-sidedness of the relationship, and simply not care. He may not actually care as much about your best friend as if appears. 


No one outside a relationship really knows what goes on inside it, and it's none of your business. Likewise, it's not your job to fix this guy's life, especially when you can't even be sure anything's broken. 


I think you need to take a look at yourself, and why this bothers you so much. I mean, it's his life; it doesn't actually affect you in any way. Are you, in fact, jealous, and in denial? Does this strike some particular chord with you - did you have a similar experience, and are still not over it? 


It's time to stop meddling and start soul-searching. 

Wait, Parent Is A Verb?

Eekers writes:


What do you think is wrong with this kid? We were visiting my cousin the other day, and my cousin was talking to her older daughter in the bedroom privately. Her 6 year old kept running and throwing herself into the door to get her mother's attention. I told her to stop, my husband told her to stop, and her reply was "but I need to talk to mom!"


Well, her mom came out, yelled at her because she was talking and she shouldn't interrupt her without knocking, but then she told the kid she'll come out of the room to spend time with her, and then picked her up to give her a hug and kiss. I was so annoyed about it, but hey, it's not my kid. I just want to know if that's normal behavior for a 6 year old or maybe if it's because I know nothing about children.


Normal for the six-year-old? Yes. As the parent of one myself, I can say that they hate to be left out of things - they always think they're missing something. Totally understandable that she would try to get her mother's attention.


But. Your cousin is doing that kid absolutely no favors by failing to discipline her. Make no mistake: even though she yelled, her daughter knows - because of the hug, kiss, and kowtowing to her wishes - that Mom is never really going to mean what she says. She already knows that she doesn't have to listen to adults: she failed to listen to you or your husband, right? Cousin is teaching this kid that she's entitled to have things her way, all the time, and that's going to serve her very ill in life indeed.


Of course, there's nothing for you to do about it. Just realize that if you want to see your cuz, you'll have to put up with Precious Little Bratleigh, too. 

Quickies!

Lamonica writes:


My coworker constantly farts loudly, loud enough that I know it's not one that escaped. It happens often. I don;t care if it is her diet or some other issue. Is there a way to let her know she farts all the time without being offensive? It's annoying to have to listen to and sometimes they smell.


Have you ever farted and not known you did so? I didn't think so. 


She knows she has a problem. There is no way to bring this up politely. If you really can't live with it, you can try sending an anonymous email, but that's passive-aggressive and probably won't help the situation at all. 


Keep some air freshener at your desk, and eat broccoli at lunch. 

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Kipper writes:

What is that white slimy, stringy stuff that comes out of our eyes? I am obsessed with playing with it! It tickles when i pull it out of my eye. But if it's bad to do I will stop.

Um, ew. That sounds like pink eye, frankly, but I hope you're just referring to regular eye discharge - what little kids might call "eye boogers" or "sand", from the Sandman. 

Discharge not associated with an infection like pink eye is often a reaction to an attempted bacterial infection or some irritant in or near the eye. Makeup, an eyelash, even dust can result in excessive eye discharge. 

In general, discharge is not harmful. You should seek medical attention if it's yellowish, seals your eyes shut, or continues throughout the day. 

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Val asks:

I like to keep my lady business bare. But recently my husband has mentioned switching off once in a while and having something there to look at. the grow out process is a bitch! What do you think about cutting an inch or so of hair from my head and making a little temporary wig out of it? I could even buy colorful wigs that go on your head and repurpose them. Pink, blue and purple sound fun. Is it possible?

I have one word for you: Merkins (link may not be SFW). A merkin is a pubic wig, and if you Google, you'll find plenty of places to buy them in all colors and sizes and styles. Enjoy!

Babies, Babies, Babies!

Mary writes:

My friend is newly pregnant, so I listen to her explode with joy over her news, rightfully so! It's an exciting time for her! But no matter what we are talking about, she manages to either bring up her pregnancy or change the subject to start talking about it. I don't think I can take another 7 months of this! How do I cope without turning and walking in the other direction when she passive-agressively brings up her pregnancy again? I mean, it's not like I am going to forget she's pregnant if 5 minutes go by and we don't talk about it.

Have you ever had something major happen in your life? Gotten married, moved far away for an awesome job - anything like that?

I can guarantee you talked about it all. the. time. I can guarantee your friends got bored with you, but they understood it was a temporary thing, and that you were really excited. They were probably happy for you, and knew that once your life calmed down, you'd have other things to talk about again. They knew, too, that when they had happy news, you'd grant them the same leeway.

Or would you? The fact that you call your friend's preoccupation "passive-aggressive" gives me pause, here. Is she not a very good friend? Is she generally self-centered? Are you?

Pregnancy is a big deal. It is consuming her world, and she may not have anyone else to share this with. I think you're entitled to be bored, and to want to dial it down a little. It's perfectly acceptable for you to steer the conversation away from pregnancy, every time she brings it up. Acknowledge what she's said, and move on. "That's fascinating, Sue. Did you see in the news that ...."

But don't be bitter or angry about this. If it really bothers you that much, you may need to let the friendship lapse - or look seriously at why that might be the case.

Thursday Quickies!

Befuddled and Broke writes:

A friend asked me to organize a baby shower for her. My home isn't big enough to host the party, and I can't afford to host it in a restaurant. I discussed this with other friends who will be attending and the decision has been made to hold a no-host baby brunch where guests will be expected to pay for their own meal. If it is rude to ask guests to pay for their own meal and bring a gift, can I just ask them to lunch and then because it is in honor of the soon-to-arrive baby, people may use this as an opportunity to bring the mom a gift...or not? In other words, I won't call it a shower and won't list registry information. How should I word the invitation?

You shouldn't. You aren't hosting anything, so there's no reason to have invitations. If you want to organize a get-together at a restaurant, do so by phoning or emailing people. And make sure you tell them this is not a party, and there will be no host.

Be prepared, however, for your friend not to be very happy. She's grabby enough to ask someone for a shower, she'll be grabby enough to be disappointed that you refuse to be rude in order to give her one.

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Jess asks:

My birthday has always been on a Friday but this year it is on Thursday. Why? Is this a leap year or something?

Wait, what? Your birthday has always been on a Friday? That's impossible. No single date stays fixed on a particular day of the week from year to year. From Wikipedia: "Not counting leap years, any calendar date will move to the next day of the week the following year."

So, yeah. I think you have larger problems than what day of the week your birthday falls on this year. Maybe you should have those looked at.

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Nicole asks:

My husband likes the way smooth legs feel, so not only does he encourage me to shave my legs twice a day, he has also started to shave his own legs along with his underarms. He'll sit there while we watch TV and rub lotion along his own legs. Is this a sign that he might be gay?

No.

Honestly, I feel like we get an "Is he gay?" question once a week. And none of them involve the husband never having sex with the wife, or the wife finding him with his dick up some guy's ass.

The guy likes smooth skin. I honestly can't even imagine what random connection in your head links "smooth skin" and "gay", but whatever, he's not. At least, not based on your letter.

I highly recommend that you, and anyone who's been thinking of posting a letter like this, educate yourself about what homosexuality is. An organization like PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) or the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) can give you the information you need, or point you in the direction of a reputable sex educator.

Trading In Her "V" Card

Dear WYPF,

I was raised by good parents, and taught to believe that sex is something you share with someone you love. I'm not very religious, but in college, after seeing too many friends get STD's after thinking they were "in love" I decided to wait until marriage.

To give you a little background, I am a college educated, independent 32 year old woman. I own my own home, am self sufficient, and generally happy in life. I am marrying a man who respects my decision to wait.

I have two sisters and a brother however who did not choose to wait, and constantly ridicule me and call me a tease. They ask me how I could possibly marry someone I haven't slept with, because I don't know if he's good in bed, nor do I know if I am good in bed.

While I realize it's ridiculous it has put a small fear in me that I will be terrible in bed, and he will be disappointed he waited.

How do you feel about waiting until marriage to have sex?

Also, any tips on what to do the first night? I love this man deeply and I am 95% positive the sex will be incredible, but the other 5% is pure doubt.

- Anna

Well, Anna, I can't speak for Christy, but I feel waiting until after marriage is a mistake. It's an old analogy, but really: you don't buy a car without a test-drive, and you're not obligated to keep a car for the next fifty or sixty years. Sexual compatibility is one of the "Big Three" issues in marriage (the other two are money and kids), and while openly discussing your sexuality with your fiance is a good start, there's really no substitute for really seeing how you two manage between the sheets.

Being "good" or "bad" doesn't have anything to do with it, either. Being responsible certainly does, and you bring up a good point about sexually-transmitted infections (STIs). While condoms can help one avoid many common STIs, many others - including genital herpes and HPV, which is responsible for some forms of cervical cancer - aren't limited to transmission by fluids, and so can be acquired through any genital contact.

My personal opinion is that it's a good idea not to hook up with random strangers in order to avoid such STIs, but that doesn't mean that all sex is out forever. I believe God gave us our bodies to enjoy - every part of them. There's nothing sinful in enjoying vigorous exercise or a good meal, and I don't believe that there is anything sinful in pre-marital sex, as long as you're respectful of yourself and your partner.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with making the personal decision to wait until marriage. You have your own opinions and values, and it's rude of your siblings to ridicule you for them. (Though really: how did that ever come up in conversation, anyway? It's not a topic I've covered with my three brothers!) You've decided the best course for your life, and it seems to have served you well. I would never denigrate such successful decision-making. Your body is yours and no one else gets to make decisions about its use!

As to your wedding night, the best advice I can give is this: It will probably suck.

Most people's first times, even when they're with someone they care about and feel safe with, suck. For women, the first time can be painful. The vagina is not a negative space, waiting to be filled. It's a potential space, sort of like a pocket. When you have nothing in your pockets, they lay flat against your body. It is only when you put something in them that they expand and accommodate the object. If your body isn't used to accommodating objects - and if you have an intact hymen - there can be some discomfort. Like everything else in life, how much is specific to the woman involved. You may feel nothing; you may have to stop because it simply hurts too much.

I don't say that to scare you, but simply to let you know that all reactions along that scale are normal, and experiencing any of them shouldn't put you off sex or make you feel weird. You and your brand-new husband will probably be a little awkward, and you won't really get into the groove of pleasing each other for a while. That's normal! Take this period of adjustment as the opportunity it is, and explore each other.

Before you marry, I encourage you to have a frank and honest discussion about sex with your fiance. Discuss what you both like, what you dislike, what you find sexy or not, what sorts of experiences you have had. Think of this as the start of a lot of foreplay: talking about sex will get you thinking about having it, with your man, and will put you in a positive frame of mind for when the doors finally close behind you in the honeymoon suite.

You can't go wrong with books, either; even your local library should have some instructional books, as well as works of erotica to give you an idea of what you'd like to try. If that's a little too local, Amazon ships in nice plain brown boxes.

The best way to be good at sex is simply to enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be fun, first and foremost. If you two go into it with light hearts and the idea that you will have fun, you'll have a wonderful time - even if you just end up giggling most of the night. Don't force your first time to be anything other than it is: don't make it a test of the relationship, or a deeply solemn event. Have fun. Explore. Enjoy your body, and your husband's. That's what they're made for!

Congratulations on your marriage, and please, do write back to tell us how it went. Just please, leave out the details!

Thursday Quickies - Prize at the End!

Sherrie asks:

Does it matter if you leave the lumps in boxed cake mix or is it better to sift it before making a cake from a box mix?

In general, mixing the dry cake mix with the eggs and oil tends to take care of any stray lumps. If you want to make extra-sure you won't have weird spots in the finished cake, it can't hurt to sift the mix.

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Callie writes:

I like to collect pocket knives and often bring them to work to cut up my fruit, usually my oranges. Plastic knives will not do the job. Sometimes it scares the people because it's considered a "weapon" but I have not used it nor have I tried to use it as a weapon per se. Only to cut the fruit, and that is while sitting at the table in the cafeteria during my regularly scheduled lunch hour.

As long as your workplace doesn't have a specific policy prohibiting weapons - including pocketknives - I don't see anything wrong with using yours as they were intended. Are you especially cruel to coworkers? I mean, they don't have a reason to think you might use a harmless Swiss Army job to eviscerate them, do they? You might need an attitude adjustment if they're afraid of you, but if they're just averse to any sort of implement that might possibly one day if circumstances were good be involved in violence, well, they need to man up.

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Just Curious asks:

I think one of the managers here used to be a man but is now a woman. Of course I cannot ask. But I want to know how I can confirm my suspicions?

You can't. This is absolutely none of your business, end of story. And I won't dignify such rudeness by expounding further.

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And an update from our favorite correspondent, Hater!

I wanted to update you on my sister and her boyfriend. She found out the boyfriend was talking to other girls and telling them he was not in a relationship, so she broke up with him. They are 16 and she is devastated. In the end I am glad they broke up, it's a life experience everyone probably goes through but I knew he was not great for her. So she is doing good and starting to hang out with her friends more than she was before even thought a few stopped talking to her because she had been spending all her time with this guy. But you live and learn. AND yeah hahaha, tell me if I'm jealous now. Teen relationships mostly don't last, but you can keep telling me I just never had a boyfriend and I am just jealous. Please. What great advice you people give. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, Hater, we missed you. Don't be gone so long next time, okay?

Catholics Aren't the Best People to Ask About This

Lady writes:

I have a question which is going to pertain to something having to do with my husband and family and all the like but mostly probably myself. I am trying to be a very virtuous woman as the Bible does instruct me to but my husband likes me to not be so virtuous in ways I do not think the bible likes. For instance he likes me to wear lewd clothing that does not allow for modesty even though I know that the whores on the Vegas strip are most likely the women he wants me to start to look like for fun even though it is only in the house he wants me to be so provocative. Have you ever see these women who dress as if they are going swimming at any moment because these are the women he probably likes for me to aspire to so you know what I mean. Their shorts may as well be underwear and their top may as well not be there and a virtuous woman dresses in another way and has class. If we have children this will not make for an excellent example of modesty and womanhood and female ways of perperness. Thank you!

Well, Lady, you're quite welcome.

If I'm understanding correctly, I think what you're asking is if it's considered Biblically proper to dress in provocative lingerie for your husband.

Because I'm not an expert on literal Scripture interpretation, I looked up what I could about Bible references to lingerie. What I found was that the Good Book doesn't reference dressing for sexual purposes directly - in fact, the Bible doesn't say very much specifically about sexual habits at all. The Marriage Bed, a site for married Christian couples, outlines what the Bible has to say about sexuality within marriage, and it doesn't look like lingerie should be considered a problem.

The Bible does seem to have quite a lot to say on the subject of modesty, but none of it has to do with the marital relationship.

I think that if your husband's request truly bothers you on a spiritual level, you should seek some answers from your clergyman; he'll be able to guide you and your husband to a happy compromise in this matter.

My own opinion is that there is nothing improper in wearing something visually enticing for your husband. Good sex helps build a good marriage, and good sex thrives on novelty. Different positions, different clothing, different locations - all of these help keep the spice in your relationship. Don't be afraid to experiment with new ways of expressing your love.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Not Just For Fatties Anymore

Alan asks:

Can I use Desitin to prevent chafing in the heat, or is it only for infants?

Ah, yes, the dreaded chub rub. Anyone whose thighs touch has certainly felt the sandpapery chafing, most common in the summer months, when sweat and general stickiness contributes to a perfect storm of awfulness.

There are a ton of solutions for chub rub. I've never heard Desitin mentioned, but baby powder, body lotion, and commercially-available anti-chafing creams are usually the first solutions. I would try anything you think might work, but I haven't had any luck with topical cures.

I've had to go with simply wearing pants for most of the summer, but when a skirt is necessary or wished-for, there are other options. A lot of people wear Spanx or other long-line shaping garments. If that's your thing, great, but I can think of few things I'd like less than trying to pull on a girdle in 90+-degree heat - and then having to wear it for the rest of the day, sweating all the while. Girdles, while very useful in certain instances, are not very breathable, and certainly not very summer-friendly.

No, for those days that simply insist on breezy peasant skirts and sweet eyelet dresses, you can try cotton bike shorts, men's boxer briefs, or Thigh Society underwear.

Please write back and let us know how the Desitin works!

Do the Opposite of Hoarders

Angelina writes:

I have absolutely no idea how to decorate my house. I don't even have an idea where to begin. It's clean, clutter-free, but otherwise a hodgepodge of things I'm not interested in or attached to. I would like to make a change however. Can you please advise a good place to start?

Magazines, the internet, and HGTV.

Pull out or print pictures of everything you like. I mean, everything. If it's a color, a pattern, a particular piece of furniture, a pillow, a painting - anything can be an inspiration, and since you say you have no clue where to start, pull out everything that appeals to you at all.

After you've amassed a good number of images, take a long look at all of them. What things do they have in common? It might be geometric patterns, a color scheme, or even that everything is glittery. And that's your starting point.

From there, you should be able to get a better idea of how you'd like your house to look. Keep in mind what kind of entertaining you do, and if you have or plan to have children: I have a crazy hard-on for all-white couches, but with a little kid in the house, that would just be asking for disaster. If you do a ton of entertaining, you may want an over sized dining table or a lot of little tables scattered around your living room for people to eat on. If you have pets, you may want to look into easy-clean upholstery and carpets.

I always ask myself two questions when I think about buying a piece for my home: Do I like it? and Is it practical? Not everything in your home needs to be practical - art pieces, for example - but you absolutely should like everything you bring home.

Feel free to mix and match - if you like it, it probably has something in common with other things in your home, and will find a place to fit in. Don't be afraid of thrift-store finds or Craigslist coups: any place that sells what you want is a place you should look for it.

And most importantly: Have fun! Decorating is like fashion. You should feel free to play with it, to treat it as an experiment. Your tastes and needs will probably change over time, and you'll be able to change things up as life goes on. Enjoy yourself!

Narcissus, Party of One

Christy (no relation) writes:

Every time I go out with this one friend of mine, she manages to make backhanded comments about me in front of people we know. Like for instance, if we meet new people at a bar, I'll talk light-heartedly with the new people and she will giggle and tell me that I never have anything smart to talk about. She'll also tell me that I care too much about my makeup and spend too much on my clothing. Yet when we are not with anyone else, she is so nice and complimentary. I confronted her about this, and she said that I am reading into her behavior and she isn't doing anything wrong. I feel bad for her because she is often depressed and will call just to talk if she's having a bad day. She also has a very mean mother who often sends her letters by email threatening suicide, so I know she has it rough. But before I completely ditch her, how else can I tell her that she is abusing my friendship? She doesn't seem to believe me.

Simply put?

You can't.

You've already told her she does this, and she didn't believe you. She continues to do it, so you know she wasn't simply saving face before becoming better behaved. She has, in fact, blamed you for her shortcomings as a friend.

About the only option you have is to suggest she see a professional counselor. From what you've mentioned in your letter - the depression, the "suicidal" mother - it sounds like your friend probably has some mental issues that could do with addressing. It is not your job to be her unpaid therapist. You're not, I'm assuming, qualified to deal with a serious personality disorder, which this sounds like. Even if you were, you see her socially, so it's still not up to you to fix her problems.

I'd let this one go, and not feel too badly about it. When even dogs have shrinks, no one with problems should avoid having them treated. She chooses to be depressed and not deal with her mother; you don't have to choose it, too.

It's Bugging Her

Leslie writes:

A friend of mine recently stayed over my house after a night of drinking. I knew she had bed bugs a few weeks back but I thought they were taken care of, she even bought a new mattress and linens. But now I noticed I have some bed bug residue on the bed in my guest room! can I ask her to buy me a new mattress since she's the only one who has slept in there recently and is probably who brought the bugs in with her? I do not want an infestation!

Since only the one friend has been in the bed, and since you didn't have bedbugs before she visited, I would advise disinfecting the mattress and treating it before demanding a replacement. Regular vacuuming after a thorough steam-cleaning should do the trick.

I see no problem with asking your friend to chip in for the steam-cleaning, but I would frame it gently. "Friend, I was so happy that you came to visit! But I have to tell you, I found some suspicious residue in the bed after you left, and I know bedbugs are so hard to get rid of, so I'm going to have the mattress cleaned." If she's a good friend and a polite person, she'll offer to pay her share; if not, well, a gentle prodding - "It's $X, so I figured we could go halves" - should do the trick.

You absolutely need to tell her, apart from any monetary concerns, because while she's replaced her mattress and bedding, the bugs can nest in her bed frame, in her walls, or any other convenient place. She may not have gotten rid of the infestation at all, and she'll need to take further action to eliminate it. In light of the costs she's about to incur, your demanding a replacement mattress immediately is less than friendly. Start with the cleaning; if you still have problems in the near future (and are certain it's her), then you may want to broach the possibility of a new bed.

Oh, I Was Supposed to Keep Those Vows?

Name Withheld writes:

I cheated on my husband and now I am pregnant, and I am not sure if there is a chance it may not be his, we weren't even trying for a baby! How do I break the news, he's so happy for a new baby? The two guys look alike so I may be able to keep this to myself for a while, right?

If you want to save your marriage, shut your mouth.

Yes, that's right. Don't say a damn thing. Your husband is excited about this child; he wants to be a loving, functional family. You don't know that it's the other man's baby, and it might not be, so stop the affair and shut up. The only thing you'll accomplish by confessing is breaking up your family and spreading the guilt around. It won't make your husband's life better. (It might make the baby's life better, but that's only if you do the right thing and give it up for adoption instead of raising it by yourself.)

And then solve the problems that led you to cheat in the first place. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, here, that those problems are fixable. If you're just a terrible human being who cheats for fun, then yes, you should tell your husband - right before you divorce him and give the baby up for adoption. If you're the most important thing in your world, there is no room for husband or child, and you do them both a disservice to pretend you care when you don't.

I hope you shape the fuck up after this. I really hope you do what's best for that child. I have to say, I'm not holding my breath on either count, so I'll end with this: Invest in a box of fucking condoms.

Allow Us To Clarify

Shmily asks:

How come in all of the advice you post, you place all blame on the poster? Is it because you don't know the whole story? I ask because I find it hard to believe that every single person who's written in for advice bears the entire responsibility for what they've written about. Even if you have to play devil's advocate, maybe once in a while believe that the OP didn't do anything wrong (like the shy person in the office for instance - being excluded hurts).

First, I will freely admit that in several cases we've found the question asker mostly to blame for their problem. I don't believe that's been the case for all or even most of our submissions.

In general we have less patience for writers who speak with vitriol and hatred about a person, especially when the perceived slight turns out to be minor. If we think your attitude is wrong, we'll let you know, often in harsh terms.

It's always possible we don't have all the information, but we can only base our answers on what we're given. There have been situations where we've asked our writers to comment with additional information, and we do post follow-ups from writers in order to provide the most complete story and the most correct advice.

Finally, our motto is, "You can't control other people's actions, you can only control your reaction to them." In the case of the woman who felt left out at work, I completely agree that being excluded hurts, and I absolutely don't think she did anything wrong. My point, however, was that her coworkers do, otherwise she'd be part of the group. Replying with "Being excluded hurts. Your coworkers are mean for not including you," doesn't really help. Our advice is not meant to place blame, but to provide the writer with positive steps they can take to change their situation.
  
We hope this helps you to understand where we're coming from. As always, we welcome all comments and encourage our readers to agree, disagree, or let us know when we've missed something. 

Tuesday Quickies

Squeegee asks:

What is more rude: letting the elevator doors close as someone is running towards them, or yelling out "Thanks for not holding the doors" when the doors close as you get to the elevator?

Yes. They're both rude. Refusing to hold the elevator for someone obviously hurrying is needlessly boorish, but calling someone - especially a stranger - out on his rudeness is just as bad. So nobody wins in this scenario - except your humble bloggers.

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Dog Mama writes:

I usually feed my little dog twice per day. Lately she has been refusing to eat in the morning but is ferociously hungry in the evening. Could she be pregnant? Is this morning sickness? She was fixed as a puppy, but maybe it didn't work.

I guess I could try to use a home pregnancy test if I could catch her mid-stream in the yard. Do human pregnancy tests work on dogs?

Wait, you have to pee on those things for them to work? I thought your husband just stuck them up there in your sleep, and that would give an accurate reading.

No, I don't think your dog is pregnant, DM. Since this is a new development, I would call and ask the vet/ vet tech for her opinion, and then make an appointment for a checkup if that seems necessary.

And no, human pregnancy tests do not work on dogs.

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Zipper asks:

Can a microwave let out radioactive waves even when off?

Zip, I'm unable to find the actual answer to that specific question, but I have some answers that may allay any fears you have about microwave radiation. A quick tour of the Wikipedia page devoted to microwaves reveals that "[t]he cooking chamber itself is a Faraday cage which prevents the microwaves from escaping." And studies have shown that the radiation emitted by microwave ovens doesn't carry the same carcinogenic risk as other types of radiation, such as X-rays, even after prolonged exposure. Microwaves can damage the skin by heating it, as with any cooking device, which is why they're built with a switch that prevents the oven from functioning when the door is open.

So go forth, and microwave happily: it's not going to kill you unless you stick yourself inside it.

Black Socks With Bermuda Shorts, Too, Right?

Sickened writes:

My coworker smells so bad, it's like feet. it's warmer out these days so it's gotten worse. I put a fan on my desk to blow the stench away from me back onto her, but it does get overwhelming. I even started to talk about how many times a day I shower in the summer because I hate thinking I might smell. No dice; she doesn't fall for it. Is there a better way that may work to tell her she stinks like a foot? Passive aggressive doesn't work. We're not very friendly but we do have to work in the same office. I don't gossip, but I am sure I'm not the only one offended by her aroma. She usually wears tyvek sandals with socks, so I wonder if it IS her feet.

Sickened, does your company have a competent Human Resources division? Usually I like direct, polite confrontation, but this is one of those areas that can go bad with lightning speed, so I suggest you make a discreet inquiry to HR about your options with a coworker who has poor hygiene. They'll hopefully already have some sort of policy in place to either pull Smelly aside and deal with her directly, or some way to notify Smelly's immediate superior that something needs to be done - without getting you involved.

Also, I'm dying to know what you do that wearing sandals with socks is appropriate work attire. I mean, from a fashionable standpoint, sandals and socks are never appropriate attire, but in the workplace? No. You might suggest a change in dress code, too, while you're at it.

Enough About MIL: Let's Talk About You

Len writes:

How to deal with an intolerable mother in law? I know some can suck, but then there is mine and she sucks so bad that I sometimes wonder if my wife is going to turn into this monster of a beast. She comes over whenever she wants and my wife apologizes, but never tells her mother to announce herself so we can tell her if it's a good time. Then she comes in and my wife gets mad when I retreat to my den to hang out on the computer because she thinks I am not being social, and her mother complains that i am so rude. But I play it off, saying I am letting them have a private visit together! Why would she want to see me anyway? Whenever I am in her company she tells me what she doesn't like about how I look that day or how I can dress better if I go to the higher end stores. And it's my house, so if I like to keep my overflow of pots and pans in the stove (I do the majority of cooking), that is my business, right? It's not like the place is a mess. WHAT to do?

Well, I assume your wife was close to her mother before she married you, yes? I mean, this can't be news, that MIL wants to visit, and Mrs. Len wants to let her. This is not a MIL problem, Len - this is a you-and-your-wife problem.

First of all, the impression you paint in your letter is of someone who hates his MIL, is rude to her, and keeps a dirty house. People generally try to make themselves look good when describing their problems, Len, and if this is the best you can do, I really have to doubt that your MIL is the "monster of a beast" that you describe. She sounds like someone who thinks dropping in is perfectly OK, and who responds to rudeness with rudeness. Certainly, she's not perfect - no one is - but I think you have to look at your own behavior before you start pointing fingers.

Have you discussed that you don't like drop-ins with your wife? If her mother thinks dropping-in is fine, chances are, she does, too. If you don't tell you wife that you would prefer if she tell her mother to call first, you can't be angry when she doesn't. And don't tell me that she knows it's wrong because she apologizes: if my husband stormed off without even trading chit-chat with a visitor, my instinct would be to apologize, as well, if only to soften the blow of the chewing-out I'd give next.

Which brings me to my next point: You're rude to your MIL. No, you're not "letting them have a private visit". You're ignoring a guest in your home, to the point where both the guest and your wife have called you on it. This woman is part of your extended family. If you can't stand to chit-chat for ten or fifteen minutes, why did you marry your wife? Did you think that somehow she'd just drop her family when she married you? No. You agreed to be, at the very minimum, polite to her relatives when you said "I do". That doesn't change because you're disgruntled.

Is MIL wrong to criticize your clothing? Perhaps. Then again, I'm not in the room when she does it, and what you hear as criticism may simply be her saying, "Macy's is having a great sale on men's shirts this weekend. You should check it out." Given your description of "pans in the stove", I doubt your sartorial choices are even clean, let alone fashionable.

In this situation, you have to give a little to get a little. Clean your house, put on a good shirt, and be nice. You might be surprised at how far that'll get you, Len. If it doesn't get you anywhere at all, go ahead and fire us off another letter: we'll be happy to provide more help.