Stef writes:
My husband changed his ringtone for my calls to a cow mooing. I happened to hear it one day because he left his phone home and I called and it started to moo. When I asked him why he chose a cow, he said it would be funny. I know I am overweight, but I don't think he needs to make a joke of it that way. It turns out that he plays it in front of his friends and they all had a good laugh about it! I am now embarrassed and not one of them told him it was disrespectful. I knew those friends were bad news. How do I get him to see that his friends influence him wrongly and do not enhance his life in a positive way?
So, your husband's an asshole, but you want advice on how to make him dump his friends. That about right?
Look, it's not his friends that are the problem. They're not unduly influencing him - it's not like he'd be a decent fellow if not for these other guys pushing him to douchetastic new heights. He's a jerk, and I have a feeling he's always been a jerk, and you married him because you thought you wouldn't do any better.
The problem here is not your husband, and it's not his friends. It's you.
You're worth more than this, Stef. You deserve to treat yourself, and to be treated by others, with dignity and respect. It has nothing to do with weight (because fat people are deserving of dignity, as well), and everything to do with the fact that you, for whatever reason, believe yourself to be undeserving of these basic human courtesies.
Trust me: Nothing you have done in your life is bad enough to deserve this guy as a husband. So why did you pick him?
Why do you think you need to be punished for the next fifty or sixty years?
If you don't have kids with this guy (and please, if you don't, don't start now!), I would actually look at separating for some time while you go into individual therapy to figure out why you chose a jerk. And if you think the relationship can be saved, you can try couples' therapy, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.
If there are children involved, I would still pursue individual therapy, but you must add couples' therapy as well, so that your husband learns how not to denigrate you in front of your kids. That is absolutely unacceptable, and even if you can't un-jerkify him completely, he needs to act like he respects you in front of the kids. Otherwise, they'll know they can walk all over you, and they will grow up to repeat the cycle - either by being jerks to their spouses, or by marrying assholes.
This is no way to live. So stop living it.
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
It's Not Easy...
Sessily asks:
I love the color green, my future hubby does not. Any compromise? He thinks I go overboard, because I like sage green waall paint and wear a lot of green aand want to incorporate jade green roses as my wedding flower, and he thinks it's too much green like leprechaun vomit.
There's plenty of room to compromise here. I could see your fiance's problem if you planned to paint every room in the house green, and compliment it with green curtains, green furniture, green carpet and green kitchen appliances. However, green compliments a whole lot of colors. If he doesn't want sage walls, you could go with an earthy beige and add green accents in the rug, throw pillows, etc. For your wedding colors, pick his favorite and put the two together. You can do gorgeous things with green and blue, green and purple, green and yellow, green and brown, etc. The only combo I might stay away from is green and red, but even that could work for a Christmas wedding.
The key here is that you need to learn how to work green into a color scheme so it won't look like "leprechaun vomit," and he needs to appreciate green when it's used in moderation.
I love the color green, my future hubby does not. Any compromise? He thinks I go overboard, because I like sage green waall paint and wear a lot of green aand want to incorporate jade green roses as my wedding flower, and he thinks it's too much green like leprechaun vomit.
There's plenty of room to compromise here. I could see your fiance's problem if you planned to paint every room in the house green, and compliment it with green curtains, green furniture, green carpet and green kitchen appliances. However, green compliments a whole lot of colors. If he doesn't want sage walls, you could go with an earthy beige and add green accents in the rug, throw pillows, etc. For your wedding colors, pick his favorite and put the two together. You can do gorgeous things with green and blue, green and purple, green and yellow, green and brown, etc. The only combo I might stay away from is green and red, but even that could work for a Christmas wedding.
The key here is that you need to learn how to work green into a color scheme so it won't look like "leprechaun vomit," and he needs to appreciate green when it's used in moderation.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Fun With Etymology
Curious Kat writes:
Where does the word "dingbat" come from? it's one of my favorites.
While today the word "dingbat" is commonly understood to refer to only two things - stupid, flighty people and printers' characters - the first known use of the word is from 1838, when it was used to refer to an alcoholic drink. The word is of unknown origin, but belongs to the family of words we use when referring to something whose proper name is unknown: thingumabob, doohickey, gadget.
According to Dictionary.com, the word has, in its history, meant: "money," "a professional tramp," "a muffin," "a typographical ornament," "male genitalia," "a Chinese," "an Italian,""a woman who is neither your sister nor your mother," and "a foolish person in authority."
"Dingbat!"
"That's what she said!"
Where does the word "dingbat" come from? it's one of my favorites.
While today the word "dingbat" is commonly understood to refer to only two things - stupid, flighty people and printers' characters - the first known use of the word is from 1838, when it was used to refer to an alcoholic drink. The word is of unknown origin, but belongs to the family of words we use when referring to something whose proper name is unknown: thingumabob, doohickey, gadget.
According to Dictionary.com, the word has, in its history, meant: "money," "a professional tramp," "a muffin," "a typographical ornament," "male genitalia," "a Chinese," "an Italian,""a woman who is neither your sister nor your mother," and "a foolish person in authority."
"Dingbat!"
"That's what she said!"
Bet I Can Guess His Grade-School Nickname!
Serena asks:
How do I get my husband to stop picking his nose in front of me? I asked him, and I tell him to use a tissue when I catch him. I just want him to not do it.
On the plus side, at least he feels comfortable enough around you to completely forget his manners, amiright?
I think the best way to change his behavior is to make the consequence of it so great he can't ignore it. Every time he starts booger-mining, I would leave the room. No matter what's going on, what you're involved in, I would simply stand up and leave. Don't say anything to him as you go, either.
When you think he's probably done, come back in. When he asks what that was all about, explain that you refuse to watch him be so gross, so every time he picks his nose, you'll be leaving the room. I mean, one of you should, right? Ideally, it would be him, going to the bathroom where he can use a tissue and wash his hands, but since that's not happening, it's gotta be you. At least for the foreseeable future.
How do I get my husband to stop picking his nose in front of me? I asked him, and I tell him to use a tissue when I catch him. I just want him to not do it.
On the plus side, at least he feels comfortable enough around you to completely forget his manners, amiright?
I think the best way to change his behavior is to make the consequence of it so great he can't ignore it. Every time he starts booger-mining, I would leave the room. No matter what's going on, what you're involved in, I would simply stand up and leave. Don't say anything to him as you go, either.
When you think he's probably done, come back in. When he asks what that was all about, explain that you refuse to watch him be so gross, so every time he picks his nose, you'll be leaving the room. I mean, one of you should, right? Ideally, it would be him, going to the bathroom where he can use a tissue and wash his hands, but since that's not happening, it's gotta be you. At least for the foreseeable future.
Just Let Him Figure It Out In The Delivery Room
Rosalita asks:
Do you know of any cutie pie ways to tell my husband I am pregnant? We hadn't been trying very long, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out a few months ago. I went to the doctor and got all the necessary tests out of the way to make sure everything is going according to schedule. I had my recent first trimester scan and saw the whole face and fingers and hands! I was thinking of showing him the sonogram picture and telling him this is our baby! I have to think of something before I really REALLY start to look pregnant! He just thinks all the sex we keep having is really making a difference in my figure lol. Are balloons overkill?
I think at this point you need to stop looking for cutie pie ways to reveal your pregnancy and start looking for cutie pie ways to say, "I'm sorry I deprived you of the first trimester of our child's life." I can't even imagine taking a pregnancy test without telling my husband. You went to the first sonogram without him? It's not even like this is a surprise pregnancy (though it seems like it was to you, despite the fact that you had been trying).
Really, it doesn't matter how you tell him. Sure, get balloons. Put the sonogram in a cutesy "World's Best Daddy" frame. Who cares. Just tell the poor man that you're having a baby, and he has 3 fewer months to get the nursery ready than most dads do.
Do you know of any cutie pie ways to tell my husband I am pregnant? We hadn't been trying very long, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out a few months ago. I went to the doctor and got all the necessary tests out of the way to make sure everything is going according to schedule. I had my recent first trimester scan and saw the whole face and fingers and hands! I was thinking of showing him the sonogram picture and telling him this is our baby! I have to think of something before I really REALLY start to look pregnant! He just thinks all the sex we keep having is really making a difference in my figure lol. Are balloons overkill?
I think at this point you need to stop looking for cutie pie ways to reveal your pregnancy and start looking for cutie pie ways to say, "I'm sorry I deprived you of the first trimester of our child's life." I can't even imagine taking a pregnancy test without telling my husband. You went to the first sonogram without him? It's not even like this is a surprise pregnancy (though it seems like it was to you, despite the fact that you had been trying).
Really, it doesn't matter how you tell him. Sure, get balloons. Put the sonogram in a cutesy "World's Best Daddy" frame. Who cares. Just tell the poor man that you're having a baby, and he has 3 fewer months to get the nursery ready than most dads do.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
That's Okay, I Didn't Like Snacks at the Movies, Anyway.
Alvina writes:
My feet are quite fragrant towards the middle of the day, and I like to kick my shoes off at my desk and let them air out. I am not offended by the aroma and I often enjoy it. How do I know if someone else may be offended in the desks next to mine, should I just ask them? It's sometimes like popcorn so it's actually pretty pleasant.
No, it's not. It's disgusting. I would put actual cash money down that your coworkers are wondering how to tell you to keep your damn shoes on.
If you want to smell your grody foot stank, feel free to do so - in your own home.
My feet are quite fragrant towards the middle of the day, and I like to kick my shoes off at my desk and let them air out. I am not offended by the aroma and I often enjoy it. How do I know if someone else may be offended in the desks next to mine, should I just ask them? It's sometimes like popcorn so it's actually pretty pleasant.
No, it's not. It's disgusting. I would put actual cash money down that your coworkers are wondering how to tell you to keep your damn shoes on.
If you want to smell your grody foot stank, feel free to do so - in your own home.
Wait, Parent Is A Verb?
Eekers writes:
What do you think is wrong with this kid? We were visiting my cousin the other day, and my cousin was talking to her older daughter in the bedroom privately. Her 6 year old kept running and throwing herself into the door to get her mother's attention. I told her to stop, my husband told her to stop, and her reply was "but I need to talk to mom!"
Well, her mom came out, yelled at her because she was talking and she shouldn't interrupt her without knocking, but then she told the kid she'll come out of the room to spend time with her, and then picked her up to give her a hug and kiss. I was so annoyed about it, but hey, it's not my kid. I just want to know if that's normal behavior for a 6 year old or maybe if it's because I know nothing about children.
Normal for the six-year-old? Yes. As the parent of one myself, I can say that they hate to be left out of things - they always think they're missing something. Totally understandable that she would try to get her mother's attention.
But. Your cousin is doing that kid absolutely no favors by failing to discipline her. Make no mistake: even though she yelled, her daughter knows - because of the hug, kiss, and kowtowing to her wishes - that Mom is never really going to mean what she says. She already knows that she doesn't have to listen to adults: she failed to listen to you or your husband, right? Cousin is teaching this kid that she's entitled to have things her way, all the time, and that's going to serve her very ill in life indeed.
Of course, there's nothing for you to do about it. Just realize that if you want to see your cuz, you'll have to put up with Precious Little Bratleigh, too.
What do you think is wrong with this kid? We were visiting my cousin the other day, and my cousin was talking to her older daughter in the bedroom privately. Her 6 year old kept running and throwing herself into the door to get her mother's attention. I told her to stop, my husband told her to stop, and her reply was "but I need to talk to mom!"
Well, her mom came out, yelled at her because she was talking and she shouldn't interrupt her without knocking, but then she told the kid she'll come out of the room to spend time with her, and then picked her up to give her a hug and kiss. I was so annoyed about it, but hey, it's not my kid. I just want to know if that's normal behavior for a 6 year old or maybe if it's because I know nothing about children.
Normal for the six-year-old? Yes. As the parent of one myself, I can say that they hate to be left out of things - they always think they're missing something. Totally understandable that she would try to get her mother's attention.
But. Your cousin is doing that kid absolutely no favors by failing to discipline her. Make no mistake: even though she yelled, her daughter knows - because of the hug, kiss, and kowtowing to her wishes - that Mom is never really going to mean what she says. She already knows that she doesn't have to listen to adults: she failed to listen to you or your husband, right? Cousin is teaching this kid that she's entitled to have things her way, all the time, and that's going to serve her very ill in life indeed.
Of course, there's nothing for you to do about it. Just realize that if you want to see your cuz, you'll have to put up with Precious Little Bratleigh, too.
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