Monkeys See, Monkeys Do

Exhausted writes:

When my 3 nephews come over, ages 12, 8, and 6, they have to be told to remember their manners. Their parents don't say anything until I say something, and by then the kids have already misbehaved. They never say please or thank you, and walk right past me and my husband when they come into our home. After dinner, they leave their plates at the table to go and play, and I have to call them back to clean their places. They were recently watching a TV show and had the nerve to ask the grownups to be quiet so they can hear their show. My husband told them that the adults are allowed to talk, and reminded them that they usually interrupt everyone and make noise when WE are all trying to talk, so they need to be more mindful of their actions. Their mom babies them so we can't tell her how to parent, but in our home, we're entitled to have them abide by certain rules. Or are we?

You're right: you can't tell other people how to parent. Unless you're an advice columnist.

But you're also right that you decide on the rules to be followed in your own home. 12, 8, and 6 are more than old enough to show common courtesy, pick up after themselves, and be respectful of everyone else. Next time the boys come over, I think you should meet them at the door and, after greeting them warmly, remind them of the rules. Say something like, "Now, I know you guys remember that we do things a little differently at Auntie's house. I just want to remind you that we're polite to each other all the time, and we pick up after ourselves, and we respect each other and other people's belongings." Or whatever other major problem you're having with them.

Reminding children of the rules is not parenting - it is helping to socialize them. You know that saying, "It takes a village to raise a child"? Well, you're the village. Since their parents have little interest in helping them move past the wild barbarian stage, it's up to you to do so - at least while they're in your home.

The best way to do this, though, is to model the behavior for them. In that vein, I think it's terribly rude to be talking over a television program that other people are trying to watch. Is there no other room where you can go to chat, that won't disturb the boys? I have to say, I'm not surprised they're rude: that's the example being set for them. There are not separate standards of politeness for adults and children, and if you fail to show them any respect, don't be surprised when you get disrespect in return.

In This Economy?!

Crying in my Cheerios writes:

I hate my job. If I quit, do you think that will give me the incentive to find something else since I'll have time to look? Sometimes things work out in a funny way, so maybe I'd find something during a time of desperation. Right now I am unfulfilled and ready to throw in the towel. A squirrel monkey could do my job, and they throw their own poop at each other.


I'm of two minds on this one. I've never stayed at a job I hated, so part of me wants to tell you to go ahead and quit. But, I've also never left a job without having another one lined up - not on purpose, at least; not with forethought.

So, no, I do not think that you should quit before finding something new, unless you're secretly independently wealthy and work only for fulfillment. Because even if you have savings, what happens if you burn through that two or six or twelve-month stash, and still don't have a job that thrills and completes you? You're fucked, that's what.

I also wonder why you think you should find so much reward in your job. It's my opinion that we should all work to live, and not the other way around. Work is a means to house, clothe, and feed yourself. It is not an end, but a means, and as such, why should it be fulfilling? I don't think you should stay somewhere full of toxic people, or where you are abused or mistreated in any way. But if what you have is just a job, and not the means to inner peace and enlightenment, well - that's as it should be. If a monkey could do it, you're getting off lightly, aren't you? You can save your energy for the activities outside of the office that will help make you a well-rounded, grounded, fulfilled human being.